Taken Back: Returning to Faithfulness

Mature and Endure | The Resurgence

2011-08-29T16:24:00.000-05:00

This is only a test....

2011-08-10T20:42:00.001-05:00

Nothing to see! Only a test!

David Crowder Band - SMS [Shine]

2010-11-22T23:58:00.000-05:00

For anyone that might actually still read this blog... Sorry I haven't been updating recently... It turns out being married is really time-consuming. Who knew?! Hope you enjoy this little video from my favorite Christian artist. Happy Thanksgiving!

Why...

2010-07-26T21:12:00.005-05:00

NOTE TO READER: The words Gyneocologist and Pap Smear are used in here. Your imagination can concoct the rest. Read on at your own risk.

Short version: I used to be promiscuous in college. Not as bad as a lot of people I know, but I still regret a lot of things I did, and wish I'd done a lot of life differently. But it's part of my story now, so...

When I was about 23 years old, I was told I had HPV. And not only that, but I had one of the strains that had been linked to cervical cancer. My doctor must have been a crock though, because she didn't act concerned at all. She just took some biopsies and ordered that I come back every 3 months for repeat pap smears to "monitor things". So I did. I went every 3 months for like a year and a half. Then something weird happened- my last pap came back totally normal. And that really was my last pap. For 7 years.

7 years I let go by. My next visit to the gynecologist was in 2008. Normal pap smear. And my next one after that was last week- and only then because I wanted to start birth control before I get married next month. Yeah. (no results yet)

About a year ago- maybe a bit longer, I first heard this story about one of my old sorority sisters, Rachel. I remember her as being so sweet. Always a smile, always a lady. It was at this time I learned she was a Christian, and it was also at this time I learned that she had been diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer. I remember reading her story, and feeling like I had the wind punched directly out of me. What?!? She was not like me! She wasn't at all promiscuous, she was married, and she had a little girl! I was just this regretful, washed up, born again old maid. We had the same exact thing happen to us. But I had lived in a way that would warrant something like this- and more. She didn't. I got a little slap on the wrist and a clean bill of health. She got a death sentence.

This afternoon, I saw on Facebook that Rachel passed away earlier today. Leaving behind a sweet little girl, husband, family, and a legacy of a charge to get Gardasil. I read her entries on Caring Bridge, and just wept. Am still weeping. Bewildered. I just DON'T GET IT. Why not me? I'M the one who deserves this!

I can totally attest to God's grace in my life. For more reasons than this. And I am intensely curious at what the heck is going to be so important in my life that I couldn't be the one to be taken.

For more information on Gardasil, click here.

To read Rachel's story, click here.

OUR Blog :)

2010-05-12T20:37:00.004-05:00

My sweet fiance created a little page for us to share pictures, thoughts, experiences, etc., and I wanted to kindly direct you to this new page for updates now! Please visit often and "join"! Eventually there will be additional wedding information for our guests, and even a place to RSVP. We are both looking forward to the next few months, and covet your prayers on our behalf.

Click here to visit!

Long overdue update and prayer.

2010-05-12T19:32:00.005-05:00

My fiancee JUST said, "in 108 days, what's mine is yours!", and instantly my mind is just blown.

Yes, I said fiancee. I know, it's been a while since I've updated this thing... Let's see... I went to see Mute Math and David Crowder in November, went to Texas for 1/2 of December because I got a new baby nephew on November 24 who I'm just crazy about, went on an awesome fun ski trip to Breckenridge in March, and I kinda got myself engaged on April 16. Yeah. I'm going to marry a wonderful man that I don't think I've mentioned once on this blog! Most everyone who'd be reading this would already know, but just in case: Tom and I started dating last August 14, and we are getting married this coming August 28. Short versions are always best. :)

I cannot even BEGIN to express how weird this whole "I'm getting married" thing is. It's just I've been single for so long! The thought of merging two very independent, single, self-sufficient lives really starts to boggle me after about 20 seconds. My head starts spinning, I start seeing spots, the works. How is this going to work?!? I dunno.

I'd prayed for so long to be blessed with "my One" and for my future husband, and now that God has answered my prayer, I'm praying in a whoooooole new way- more for insight, and wisdom while planning this one single day that's going to launch a completely new phase of life, and patience- LOTS of that... and then more wisdom, and STILL for my future husband, and our future kids, and our family, and extended families... My prayer life has really picked up.

On another note, yet still speaking of prayer, I would love it if you shared any prayer requests you might have so I can pray for you as well. I am totally convinced that 2010 is my personal "year of jubilee". MANY long term prayers of mine have been radically answered this year, and it's been really faith building- AND challenging! It's as if God is very bluntly saying, "Yeah, I've been here, and I've heard every request, and I really do count tears and the little things really do matter to Me. My timeline isn't like yours, but here- maybe THIS will help you trust me more." Seriously. Why do I doubt?! Why do you doubt? Email me at angelaxid@gmail.com- I would be so honored to pray with/for you about whatever.

I love you!

Awayo

2009-11-11T07:24:00.002-05:00

Run To Obey

2009-10-05T06:05:00.003-05:00

This is from Pastor James Macdonald with Walk In The Word ministries. The strangest thing you might ever hear me say is "I love being obediant." Don't tell my mom!! :) Some friends of mine who aren't Christian will probably read this and think, "huh?!". I don't know. All I can say is, being obediant to God is great. He came to me once, about 7 years ago, asked for one small move in His general direction, and it changed everything. God has changed and is continuing to change everything, and I want more.

Run to Obey

"I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart! Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes; and I will keep it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart. Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it." - Psalm 119:32-35

Obeying God is a phenomenal thing.

You know you're talking to a baby Christian when you hear things like, "The Bible says to do . . . what? That just doesn't make sense to me," and "Isn't that a little crazy?" When someone new to Christ hears a call that demands him or her to go against the natural human tendency to protect or promote self, the person will sometimes react.

Not so for someone who has walked with God for a long time. We know that every step forward is a step of faith. Obedience to God is not a burden. And once you've done it a few times, you realize how awesome God's program is.

Every time I do what God wants me to do - I get blessed. Every time I humble myself and ask for forgiveness or reach out in relationship or deny my flesh or give to the Lord's work or make the choice to serve or open my mouth and speak for God - I get blessed! Every time! Obeying God always makes things better, even when it's hard. Even when the good outcome takes a while.

The more you get to know the Lord, the more you realize that everything He asks of you is for your good. I'm thinking right now of that amazing pronouncement in Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." When you get that panorama perspective of life, then obeying God today is not a burden; it's a joy.

Things will always work out for good when I obey God. If I could live my life over again, I wouldn't go back on any of my obedience choices, but I'd go back to some disobedience choices and change them in a hurry.

Today I purpose to obey the first time, every time. Let’s be like David who said, "I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!"

A Year Ago...

2009-09-23T23:37:00.003-05:00

My dear friend came over to my house, we had dinner together, laughed together, and then she committed relationship suicide and ended our friendship. Thus far to this day, unreconciled. Has it been a year?! On one hand it seems like yesterday, because I'm not fully healed from this- as evidenced by how I still miss her, and my limited ability to forgive. And on the other, it seems like a million years ago, because God has brought me this far, and I love Him and am so grateful for what He has done- and is doing- in my life. This story is still incomplete. The circle hasn't closed yet...

Shadows...

2009-09-23T23:24:00.004-05:00

"Life is full of life and shadows.
Oh- the joy and oh- the sorrow.
And yet will He bring day from night,
And yet will He bring dark to light.
When shadows fall on us,
We will not fear- we will remember.
When darkness falls on us,
We will not fear- we will remember.
When all seems lost,
When we're thrown and we're tossed,
We'll remember the cost:
We are resting in the shadow of the Cross."

--David Crowder Band, "Shadows", Church Music.

It's time.

2009-09-03T06:56:00.004-05:00

The letter I sent out this morning- relevant for anyone and everyone who might happen to read my blog (the like 3 of you...). I covet your prayers.

Hi Folks,
A quick note this morning to a short list of people, asking you to please join me in prayer. It’s time to start praying about my plans for going back to PNG long term. I stopped dragging my feet and emailed the school principle out there this morning. Kelly- I don’t have an email address for Mike, but since you (collectively) are my pastor and wonderful source of wise counsel, I’m hoping you don’t mind being added to this list. To fill you in briefly- at this time, I’m praying about and hoping to return to Papua New Guinea to serve as a speech therapist (go figure!) in a missionary school for 2 years, in 2 years.

A few prayer points that’ll cover a lot of what’s to be expected for the next 2 years:
-the sale of my house and the payment of all my student loans.
-housing arrangements for me over there.
-education “brush up” to best serve. Also I may have to take an extensive course offered by the National Institute for Learning Disabilities prior to leaving.
-the process of becoming an official Associate with New Tribes.
-fundraising/ “deputation”- not even close to beginning, but it’s inevitable, and on a MUCH larger scale than for a 6 week trip!
-for my continued obedience, as I am very prone to wandering away to do my own thing, and for general heart protection.

Thank you all so much- for your past support and for your current prayer coverage too. It means the world to me.

Crash Anniversary (short version)

2009-08-17T06:25:00.004-05:00

This is details only from the crash. There is more story surrounding that, but will have to get to that later. Stay tuned for an update to this story.

Short version:
5 years ago today, I was leaving a friend’s house in Oviedo around 6:00 in the morning to return to my place in Maitland. Because of Hurricane Charlie, the tolls had been eliminated for a while, and though I’d taken the toll roads to get across town initially, I’d heard on the radio that they’d be turned back on at 6:00 am, Monday morning. So I decided to take the city streets home. I drove down University, to Hall, to the intersection at Aloma…

Also because of Charlie, almost every single stop light was out all over town. TV reporters and even radio hosts made a big point though, of reminding us to treat every single intersection with a light out as though there were 4 way stops. So I did.

Coming up to Aloma on Hall/ Howell Branch, I was in the left lane, and a truck was in the right lane next to me. We both stopped at the intersection, and proceeded through. These next events took maybe about 10-15 seconds total, but everything was so CLEAR as it happened- it’s like it was in slow motion.

So Truck and I are proceeding through the intersection, when I HEAR truck slam on his brakes. I turned to see why, and saw an SUV barreling down Aloma, now coming through the intersection without stopping or slowing at all, and we crashed. A perfect T-bone.

(Here’s where REAL slow motion kicks in) My airbags deployed, punched me in the face, and burned my forearms. There was powder or steam or something, and I couldn’t see for a bit. I thought to myself, “Am I dead? Am I alright?” Then I turned my head to the left, and to my horror, saw the SUV tumbling down the road, rolling over 2 more full times before it came to a stop on the driver’s side.

I kept enough sense in me to grab my cell phone, dial 911, and then I just lost it. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of my car. Not that I was stuck, but I was so panicked I couldn’t get the seat belt off or the door open. When I finally tumbled out onto the street, it did dawn on me that I was able to stand and scream, so I did just that for a bit, while the lady at the 911 center told me to “calm down, or I can’t help you”. She asked me if the other driver was alright, and I realized I hadn’t seen the other driver yet. There was no movement from the other car. And I freaked out again, and refused to go look, afraid of what I might find inside.

Mr. Truck Guy saw everything, and stayed with me till police came. He went to check on the other person and he gave a statement to the police about what happened. I wish I knew who that was…

I walked away from this. I shouldn't have. The front of my care was accordioned. But instead of breaking through the foot well on the driver's side, it cracked the passenger's side, and things that needed to displace did so downward. I walked away with burns on my arms and my face, and a sore neck.

Our Diplomatic Secretary of State.

2009-08-11T06:27:00.002-05:00

You have got to be kidding me. THIS is who our President chooses to represent us in the world?! I can't even put into words my disgust over her response here. No diplomacy, no humility, no reasoning, just a whole lot of arrogance and entitlement. Thank you Hillary for doing your very best to represent America abroad.

Not like it's soon or anything...

2009-07-23T18:48:00.002-05:00

But this is TOTALLY what I'd want to do at my wedding!! I love it! So Betsy, Christie and Michaela- I'm giving you plenty of notice- better start practicing!! :) Enjoy y'all.

Millstones and Milestones.

2009-07-12T22:40:00.003-05:00

July 11.

July 11, 2000- according to a movie ticket stub I found recently, apparently I watched Lethal Weapon 4. I totally don't remember anything about the movie, but I've got the proof I was there!

July 11, 2006- quite a different story. I will probably never forget this day, though I wish every day since that I could... This is the day I willfully walked off a cliff. I started off intentionally, proceeded to the edge, ignored every warning sign, and didn't just walk off the edge- I JUMPED. Back into sin I thought- no swore- was behind me. I also happened to jump into a downward spiral of self-loathing and deprecation, lasting for several months. I couldn't look at myself in a mirror, couldn't hardly make eye contact with most people, and couldn't go for more than maybe 3 hours without crying. I certainly couldn't tell others- not directly at least... I believed I was the biggest phony. I was in shock really! How could I have done this?! HOW did this happen?! I thought I loved God! I thought I was a new person! What about being baptized? What about all those night I'd cry out to God and tell Him how sorry I was for the things in my past- how I was so sorry for how I'd disrespected him for so many years... What ABOUT all that?

I wore that millstone for a long time. Can't say exactly how long, and can't say it's not completely removed now either.

July 11, 2007- One year post, and I could testify already to just how GOOD my Kind Father is. He took me back, and spoke directly to me about His forgiveness. He filled the year with a TON of mercy, and provided me with good distractions to allow for covert healing of my heart and mind. On THIS day, God allowed me to spend this morbid anniversary in my beloved Papua New Guinea, serving. I passed this milestone in the kitchen, on a trail, with wonderful fellowship, and surrounded by nature that literally screams out the glory of God.

July 11, 2009- Three years post now. God has allowed for much healing, and has done AMAZING things in my heart and life between this milestone and the original millstone. I have lower expectations for myself and people in general (for this perfectionist, this is actually a good thing!). I think I have a more realistic view of sin and its grip on us. But I also believe I have a much clearer understanding of grace. CLEARLY it is much more easily comprehended when dealt to you in grand doses. I have a slightly different desire to do what pleases my Kind Father as well. He wants my heart, and I can easily surrender because He took me back. I would give everything in gratitude for just being taken back.

And now, the date has been redeemed. July 11, 2009 I watched my sweet friend Christie walk down the aisle, and NOW this day will forever be her anniversary.

Full circle complete. From death to life. Mourning to dancing. Despair and depression to joy and celebration.

How GREAT is Our God?!

Fast and Famine

2009-05-30T16:57:00.004-05:00

I didn't want to post more than a link on the Grace website, because I figured very few people would actually follow a link- probably just the people who know me at Grace, and I didn't want to discourage people...

I didn't get anything at all out of the fast this week. I don't think I was fully on board from the beginning though. I don't know... It's been a looooooong time since God's been clear with me, and I don't like it. It feels like I spend a LOT of time and energy praying for, asking, begging God to open doors for me, do something BIG with/in me, and I'm still in the exact same place I was this time last year. And in 2007. And in 2006. I could go on...

I am done with asking. I can't help but think that "this" is exactly where God wants me, and that I AM doing what He's got for me right now, though His idea of ministry and purpose are vastly different from mine. With all the begging I've done over the last 3+ years for learning and knowing His will, following what He wants for me, I can't help but conclude that I'M THERE. THIS is it. THIS is His "great plan" for me.

The following was originally written in my Bible Journal. Every year I keep a new journal and fill it with verses that stand out to me, a record of what I read throughout the year, and sermon notes. This year it's pretty empty for being the end of May...

I am in a famine. I just didn't want it to be true, especially because it's been soooooo long since I've felt this way, but I can't deny it further- it's pretty clear... I do next to nothing to build my relationship with my Lord. I'll think about it, say stuff like, "Oh, it'd be so nice to spend time with God", and then do nothing. I am all talk and intentions. I chronically waste time at home. I will find ANYTHING to replace God. Right now I think it'd be wrong for me to say "I love the Lord". I give more effort to people I DON'T love than to Him. This book should be over half filled with verses, prayers, thoughts, etc. ... And instead it's just a few pages. The year is half GONE!!

Grace is doing this month-long fast. I signed up, but I'm not excited about it. Everyone's comments are so expectant- like God's going to do some big thing in the next month. And I don't have that certainty or expectancy AT ALL. In fact, I'd rather NOT do it because I just don't want to be let down again. I used to fast- for answers and direction. And sometimes I really thought God was instructing me, guiding me, etc. But in hindsight, it must have been me. Or Satan- I'd even dare say- being very deceptive. I don't know...

I am a glutton. I fed my face all day (Tuesday) when I could have been fasting. And I consumed 3 hours of TV tonight. And now I'm in bed. Wow.

How am I supposed to fast when I can't stop feeding my face and turn off the distractions?! I've been asking for guidance, wisdom, some direction, instruction, etc. for 2+ years now and God hasn't done anything. So what is fasting NOW going to do?

If you've read this much, read a little further. Please pray that God will just show up for once and turn my attitude around, and bring me fully back to loving Him with ALL my heart, and not just 1/3 of it. I "like" God right now. But I can't say more than that and be truthful. I want to desire Him more, want what HE wants for me, and follow obediantly. Even just writing this- the deep truth in my heart starts to surface, and I want to love Him the way He deserves, and serve Him with no second thoughts, no matter what He has for me to do.

Reconnection...

2009-05-11T22:48:00.000-05:00

I just reconnected with an old friend from grad school, and I can't even tell you how good it was to talk (and by talk I mean facebook chat) with her after all this time!! We'd been study buddies in grad school, and we ended up doing our final externships together. After graduating though, we kind of took different paths, and lost touch, though we did run into each other once downtown at a craft show. And silly as it may sound- though remember, I'm a Loyalist-, I've missed her ever since.

So 6 or so years later, I get a notification that someone else posted a comment on another friend's photo on- you guessed it- FACEBOOK. But the comment isn't about the picture, it's addressing me! And it's this long lost girl, mutually friends with someone else I've known for almost 6 years!

Circles come to mind... But I don't think this circle is completed. I get to see my sweet friend on Sunday, and REALLY talk with her for the first time in 6 years. I can NOT WAIT!

ISFJ- Tell me what you think!

2009-05-05T19:34:00.002-05:00

According to whatever test I took, my "Meyers-Briggs" results indicate I am an ISFJ. I would say this is fairly right on, with some deviation here and there. I'd love to hear if you think this is an accurate description of me...

Portrait of an ISFJ - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
(Introverted Sensing with Extraverted Feeling)

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Predestination.

2009-04-28T20:59:00.002-05:00

This sermon radically changed and shaped my view on election versus "free will". Enjoy!

Creepy Ben Linus... :)

2009-04-26T21:15:00.001-05:00

HILARIOUS. How does this poor guy not scare little children on a daily basis??

The Funniest Thing You'll Ever See Me In...

2009-04-24T23:29:00.002-05:00

Because I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS BEING RECORDED!!

Freedom and Bondage

2009-04-21T06:10:00.007-05:00

Like a lot of girls, I have "one of THOSE ex's" hanging around in my skeleton closet. (No, I didn't kill him and stuff him in there... but that was by God's grace alone.) I met him, was instantly attracted, quickly grew an intense friendship, and before I could even discern the BEGINNING of it, was bonded, and I remained in such a state for 4 years.

It's been a little over 1.5 years since the end of that, and were you to ask my friends, they'd say I'm a different girl now- happier, free-er (sp?), more open/ transparent, etc. At least that's what they've told me at different times... And I DO feel that. I praise God daily for the distance He has allowed to grow between "then" and "now", the healing He has brought me, and the grace He has permitted to infiltrate. It has been nothing short of amazing to me, and there are no silly words that do justice for an explanation of the gratitude I feel in my heart- both to my God and to my friends who were so persistent and grace-filled and re-accepting. God has healed my heart in so many ways too- so that I could forgive, and not resent, etc. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or avoidant if I saw him at church, or if he showed up at some mutual friends' party. He ended up marrying a girl who'd been a close friend of mine for years, and then it did get weird, and I felt like I had to avoid BOTH of them again, but maybe for a better reason? I don't know.

A friend happened to mention to me last night that this same ex is moving. I was totally not expecting that, and I could NOT have predicted my reaction. I almost started crying! I couldn't stop smiling and laughing- clearly I'd lost it. Again I find no words to express the RELIEF I felt in that moment. I had no idea one was still there, but I instantly felt like this huge weight had been removed. I will never go to another event and see him, I won't have to worry for a second about running into him somewhere. He will be GONE. Forever.

Talking to God while driving home after having learned this, I asked, "why couldn't this have happened YEARS ago?! There's so much that could have been avoided if only..." But the "why" isn't my responsibility.

I called a friend to share this crazy insane good news with someone, and in the process, asked her, "is it wrong for me to be this happy?" She said no- it wasn't like I was wishing him ill in any way, I was just happy for my own circumstances. But then she said, "It's ok for you to feel this way because clearly this person has a hold of you still for you to react so strongly..." And the freedom I felt transformed into the chains that returned.

The only thing that could come out was, "Really?? Do you really think so?" I would so love to think I'm way more "evolved" than all of this. That I've grown, changed, put aside, moved on, improved, etc. I talked to another friend who was closer to me and knew the situation better too. She assured me that she did see all of that, in spite of my current doubt, but kind of made provision for why it'd be hard for me still... I don't know if I wanted that. I really wanted the truth. And really- in the end, the truth will shine the brightest, even if it's the ugliest.

"Po Po non-emergency, how can I help you?"

2009-03-22T21:55:00.003-05:00

Did I ever tell you the story about the time my exboyfriend had to call the police to come over to my house because I was convinced people were breaking in? Well that's not tonight's story. But I did call the cops.

I had a roommate for January and 1/2 of February. She was the sister of a good friend, and I had a feeling it'd end similar to how it did, but I said she could stay with me anyway. Long story short, it became crystal clear one day that I couldn't allow her to live here anymore. I gave her a week's notice to get out, and thankfully, she was out in less than that. She left behind a few things and didn't pay rent, but didn't destroy anything either, so I was relieved. I felt so unsafe though- I actually had the locks changed.

So today, she started calling me, saying she was passing through town, and wanted to come over and get her suitcase. I wasn't home until later this evening, and told her that'd be the case. I figured she'd just move on. I was scared though, that she'd come over anyway with the guy she'd moved out with- or someone else for that matter. So I put the Po Po non-emergency number on speed dial, and went to bed.

Sure enough, she knocked on my door around 10:15 pm. The nice lady at the station sent over 2 nice officers, and though she left, they stayed. They told me to call her and tell her to come back for the stuff. I texted her, and she was back in a few minutes. She looked a little stunned, and she almost hit my car! But she got her stuff, and told the cops "no sir" when they asked if she thought she'd be back for anything. She said she was on her way to Pensacola to stay with her family. I am seriously glad that is the case. I hope everything works out well for her...

Alex's Ski Adventures!!

2009-03-16T23:40:00.001-05:00

Negligence and the Island

2009-03-10T22:31:00.003-05:00

I’ve been meaning to write more on here recently, but I always seem to find other things that take my time! A TON of ideas have passed thru my mind, and it’d have been good to take advantage of them when the opportunity arose. Oh well… Now you’re stuck reading the mediocre leftovers from my scattered mind.

LOST:
GETTING REALLY CONFUSING!!! I can’t even say I liked the last episode at all. I was watching with Annie and Brian, and at first we were all making the usual commentary during the show. But then I’m pretty sure the sight of Sawyer with Juliet made us all so sick, we were just quiet the rest of the time. The writers are rushing to finish the story in 1 ½ seasons, and there’s just too much to cover. We get these mega doses of story revelation, and my brain just can’t handle it.

Here are some of my questions:
• Ok, NOW we have Losties mixed in with Dharma people… Are they there when young Ben comes to the island?
• Who are the hostiles a.k.a. Ben’s people? And why is it ok for them to shoot innocent Dharmas, but the Dharmas can’t protect themselves??
• Who the HELL is Richard Alpert? Where did he come from? Is HE really the “man behind the curtain"? Why’s he forever young?
• Who’s the good guy- Ben or Widmore?
• Did Ben kill Penny, and that’s why he was all bloody?
• Did Kate really kill Aaron like I think she did? I REALLY don’t think it’s as simple as she gave him to Claire’s mom.
• Is Kate now pregnant with Jack’s baby- hence taking Claire’s place in the re-enactment of the original flight?
• What ever happened to the whole “everyone’s connected” thing? Is that just not important any more?
• Ok, so they’re now stranded on the island in the 70’s?? What about all the NEW Losties that survived??
• What about the OTHER Losties that got left behind??
• Was Sun with them all in the Dharma van at the end last week? I don’t remember…
• What ever happened to Claire?? She see’s good old dad, and just LEAVES Aaron??
• What about Christian?? We have NO IDEA how he REALLY fits into this whole mess. All we know is he did a John Locke (or is it John pulled a Christian?) by being dead on the plane, and returning to life when on the island. I am totally convinced that Christian is actually alive on the island.
• When are we gonna find out about the Black Rock?
• What the HELL is that crazy smoke monster thing??

I have about 2342 more questions, but I’ll stick with 15 for now… If you have any theories to answer my questions, leave a comment!!

23% or 1.5%... One of the two...

2009-03-10T22:10:00.003-05:00

Today kicked off training for the North Face 1/2 marathon I'm doing in June. I ran my first 3 miles- which is 23% of the distance I'll be going on June 6th, OR 1.5% of the total 191 miles I'll be running between now and the finish line.

It's been about 2 months since last my feet moved at such a pace, but it really felt good to be outside and running again! No cramping, and I only stopped to walk (fast) for about 2 minutes. I am REALLY looking forward to getting back into shape after my nice lazy 4 month sabbatical. I'm planning on using "Hal Higdon's" 1/2 marathon novice runner training schedule to prepare. This will translate into running 3-4 times a week, and getting into the gym 3-4 times a week as well. Can you even believe this is coming from me??

I'm even gonna *somewhat* try to eat healthier. Whenever I work out regularly, my appetite is just insatiable! So I've gotten a bunch of healthy things I know I like to munch on constantly.

I am really REALLY excited about all of this! I've been half-heartedly hoping for something to just fall into my lap that could serve as a goal. I always operate best when I have something tangible to look forward to. And this is IT for the next 12 weeks!

Ellen DeGeneres ~ I Love Jesus But I Drink A Little (HQ)

2009-02-07T21:35:00.001-05:00

HILARIOUS!!! Enjoy!

Everything

2009-01-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

The story of my life. You'll cry if it's your story too...

Thoughts On Prosperity

2009-01-20T07:57:00.002-05:00

I HATE IT. With everything inside of me. It makes me literally sick to my stomach. But I'd love your thoughts too!

Sacred Place

2009-01-17T01:25:00.002-05:00

My personal prayer...

Come into this sacred place
Come into my heart and
Sing Your song of grace
Pull me safe into the deep
Pull me in to where the
Depths of love meet
Sing, sing over me until dawn
Pull me safe into the deep

Come and carry me away
Come into my heart and
Turn this night to day
Come into this sacred place
Come into my heart and sing

'Cause I can hear You now
And You're the only sound
I give You all my love

You've rescued me
You embrace me,
And You calm me...
You persuade me,
You console me...

He does too, doesn't He...

Rebirth

2009-01-11T08:23:00.003-05:00

Believe it or not (coming from Florida), January 11, 2004 was ICY! We were all attending the very first Revolution Retreat at Southwind in little Ocklawaha, Fl. It was in the mid 30's around 8:00 a.m., and I was up early- I had some reading I wanted to do.

Rewind to early October 2003- I was a few months into a long and very different journey, moving in the general direction of Christ. I was in a very small home group with Casey Johnson, and we were slowly making our way through The Purpose Driven Life. Something from one of the early chapters really shouted out to me: it was the notion that baptism was how you showed the world your intention to follow Christ. I was stunned! Being brought up Lutheran, baptism was always tied to salvation. Hence my earlier infant baptism. I had already dismissed this teaching as untrue/ unbiblical, but I hadn't really dug for the Truth to replace it. Nevertheless, when this notion of baptism as symbol of "follower" came to me, I was quick to decide, "well this is what I need to do!"

Probably as soon as you decide to do anything for God, Satan moves in and tries to plant doubt in your mind. Having been already baptized, I questioned CONSTANTLY- "is this really necessary?" My parents were completely unsupportive, and non-understanding. "You've already been baptized! Why would you do it again?" And I waited. I sat on it... But not for too long. :)

So it's really cold, and it's pretty early, and I'm sitting in a corner of the huge dining room by the fire place (not lit- wish it were). Bible in lap, I looked up every verse listed that touched on baptism. I read about John baptizing people to show they were turning toward the Coming Messiah, Jesus being baptized before starting His ministry... Paul's words spoke the loudest.

"Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more kindness and forgiveness? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we became Christians and were baptized to become one with Christ Jesus, we died with Him? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives."

Wow.

Some time while I was reading all this, a girl approached me- she was who I'd been paired up with to "get to know better", spend some time with, etc. over the weekend. She sat down, asked what I was reading, talked with me for a while, and prayed with me too. The first of many times we'd pray and share scripture together- as this "girl I barely knew" turned into my dear, sweet, wonderful friend Michaela.

I remember standing out by the pool in shorts and a t-shirt, wind blowing, freezing quickly- even with a blanket around me. Two guys were also out there in shorts. We huddled together and prayed for each other- for the lives we wanted to live, and the direction we wanted to intentionally turn toward. I remember the water- INSANELY cold! Casey asked, "are you ready?", and I nodded yes. I remember scanning the crowd at the edge of the pool for one particular person, and becoming almost panicked in my mind, as that person eluded me. (Hindsight makes me eternally grateful for that- but that's a different story for another time) "Emily, I baptize you..."

I remember a moment... And a feeling... Right before going under, time stopped. It was a feeling of panic, and of letting go. Something within me registered that things would be different now. That feeling was of being erased. Everything within me felt erased. I did not come up the same person.

Five years forward- I could not have humanly imagined the life God had/has in store for me. This is not the life I thought I'd lead, and I am eternally grateful for it! God has allowed for so much growth, pain, love, learning... He gave me a ministry, a church home, a ministry- and an ability to trust Him when those were taken away too. He's given me people to spur me on, and it's their friendship I am most grateful for. I love our Lord.

Happy Rebirthday.

Lyrical Wednesday- For my Dear Friends

2009-01-07T07:46:00.001-05:00

Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it’s ok to cry with you.
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I’ve been near God
And that’s the way it ought to be.

You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn’t think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I’m hoping that I’ll
Do the kind of praying for you that you’ve done for me
And that’s the way it ought to be.

You have carried me.
You have taken upon a burden that wasn’t your own.
May the blessing return to you a hundredfold.

You’ve been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
You’ve spoken truth over my life
You’ll never know what it means to me-
Just to know you’ve been on your knees for me.
You have blessed my life
More than you’ll ever know.

Bena Update

2009-01-03T07:08:00.005-05:00

This just in from the Highlands... I could use your prayers today. Not a day goes by when I don't wish I were over there. Life in the States just doesn't have the meaning or purpose that being over there has... The door has pretty much closed for me to return any time soon, but I'm praying so hard that I can return- long term too- in the not too distant future.

"Joyce" in this story was my language helper when I went to Interface as a student, and we remained friends as I returned 2 more times in the following 18 months. She'd call me her daughter, and her son's sister, and I just adored (still adore) her. "Yagaso" was a dear woman, and I remember when a friend called me one morning to tell me she'd passed on last year. Rarely a day goes by when I don't think of her as well.

I can't even say clearly how much these people mean to me... I am so hoping to return...

Just hours into the new year, Tumun entered into the presence of her
Saviour.

Tumun is the Bena woman who has been battling advanced cancer of her
internal organs. She rejected the witch doctors' remedies, and stood firm in
the hope of God's healing. He answered her prayer with 'ultimate healing'.

The village is abuzz over how she died so peacefully, a stark contrast to
the norm. Tumun's testimony has obviously affected her sister, Joyce, in a
tremendous way. Joyce described how, near the end, Tumun uttered the name
'Jesus' and quietly opened her arms to Him. Shortly thereafter, she was
joined by Dawn Foster, missionary to the Bena, who encouraged her with the
thought that her Father was calling her home. Seconds after, she passed
peacefully.

Joyce knows that Tumun was trusting in Jesus, and is convinced that her
sister is in heaven. Seeing her go that way made Joyce feel 'at rest in her
spirit' for her sister's sake. Now we are praying that Joyce will put her
trust in Christ, too. She is definitely pondering Tumun's faith in a new
way.

It was just over a year ago (Dec.16th) that our village grandmother, Yagaso,
also died peacefully. Both these women have caused much discussion in the
village at their death. While we did not have complete assurance of Yagaso's
faith in God, we know without a doubt that Tumun is in heaven!

What a wonderful way to usher in a new year, meeting her Saviour face to
face!

Please pray:

-that Tumun's testimony of faith will draw others to the Saviour

-for our January Interface program beginning in a few hours, that God will
use us and the program to raise up more labourers for the harvest

-that God will continue to add to His Church this year with new tribal
groups hearing His Word for the first time

Emerson and Miriam

Beyond This Point...

2009-01-01T22:46:00.004-05:00

"...Lies The Rest Of The World". So reads this almost overlook-able landmark at Manhattan Beach in LA. It's fitting for today too. I have a lot of hope for this year. 2008 was the absolute worst year of my life, and I KNOW that 2009 is going to be so much better!

Already I’m ahead of where I was this time last year: I have a better job, getting paid more, my boss doesn’t hate me AND she’s a Christian, I am more at peace with pretty much everything right now- I don’t feel like I’m fighting God on anything (at the moment), I have some amazing friends (I did last year too, but I’m even more sure of our love for each other, and probably more grateful now too).

I feel like I’m on a good path right now, though the path itself is kind of hidden. But really, I am OK with not being fully sure of the next step.

The things that I am sure of at the moment: I love the Lord, I’ll be at my current job for a while, I won’t be going back to PNG soon (though I wish this were different), and I really want to listen and be obediant. God’s got me in an interesting place where I’m making some new friends, and coming upon different new opportunities almost weekly. I’m pretty content right now. This is great! May this contentment continue throughout the new year.

I Don't Ask For Crazy...

2008-12-07T22:59:00.004-05:00

(disclaimer- there's good stuff in here, but you're gonna have to read down to find it...)

... It just has a way of finding me... Especially, for some reason, this year. 2008 has been INSANE!! So many bad things have happened... I remember commenting to one of my girlfriends about it after yet another thing pummeled me, "you know, I'm not asking for this. Am I doing something inadvertently to bring this stuff on?" She said it didn't seem like I was, because I didn't have control over what the things that were happening. I don't know... It's gotten really old though... I'm not going to be sad when 2008 is over.

So here's the latest crazy:
I went camping this weekend with Revolution, and had a blast! I gave this girl a ride up to the campsite, though, and after some stuff that I'm not going to put in here (to protect the innocent AND guilty), this is the PUBLIC WALL POSTING she put on my facebook page:

Hello. We need to talk. I don't appreciate your attitude towards me on Fri/Sat. You are very aggressive towards people and do not back down when you are being rude! It is not your place to tell people how to act (like you want them to), what to drink, and how to do things "your way". You need to have more compassion for people and treat people like YOU want to be treated. Live the bible not just read it.

Lovely.

Usually, I will blame myself for the shortcomings of others untill I'm 29 feet into a pit, and totally guilt-ridden. I have to fight NOT to come down on myself, and instead, tend to believe everyone else is perfect and I'm the only schmuck. I'm the bitch. I deserve whatever people dish me. For a long time, I have lived out these beliefs... And I'm stuggling with all my might NOW to do the opposite: let go when needed, unshoulder the burden of responsibility for other peoples' meanness, self-centered-ness, anger, misery, and come to grips with the fact that I really DON'T have to be everyone's friend. I don't HAVE TO be everything to everyone. It's very freeing...

Back to this wall post though... "Crazy wall post" was quickly followed by another post, from a friend who I love even more now:

Dear _____ (name deleted to protect the guilty)... I don't know you, but for some reason, I feel lead to respond to your post. You know that Emily's not checking her facebook for the weekend, so it seems to me that you took a cheap shot at her knowing it wouldn't be quickly deleted. I guess that's why I'd like to say something on her behalf. While there may be some truth in your message to Emily, you're approach to communicating with her could've been handled differently. Just a friendly reminder for the future, if you feel that you've been offended, God prefers that you go first to that person privately to discuss the matter. Publicly venting your feelings toward her on facebook is not God's preference! :) ... in your own words, "treat people like you want to be treated."

And another friend I just adore...

Emily...you are such an amazingly graceful person!! I would've told that girl that she was a hipocrite ass!!!! She's complaining that you tell people how to act when she's telling you how to act? If she even half knew you, she would know how awesome of a person and friend you are. Message to ___...Grow Up!! You don't deserve a friend like Emily!

And then my SISTER chimed in...

____, you may have felt that Emily was agressive etc to you, and that may or may not have been justified. However, through your post you have now shown the world (at least the FB world) what kind of a person YOU are. Next time someone bugs you, grow up and talk to that person privately about it.

You really just never know... You never know who will come to your aid- when you're guilty and when you're not.

I swear that I have the best friends in the world. I remember, several years back now, a time when I didn't have many friends at all. I had to go to the hospital after a car accident, and the person who brought me to the hospital said he didn't want to wait around, so I should find a ride home with one of my friends. I felt so alone in that moment, because I didn't feel like I had any real friends.

I can't truthfully say that's the case any more though. I fight loneliness a lot, but God really has blessed me with good friendships- that feed me spiritually and emotionally, and every once in a while, that come to my aid and reach down into the pit to pull me up.

Good Thing I'm Not God... (a.k.a. The Dilemma of "Prophet" vs. "Mercy")

2008-11-30T14:12:00.005-05:00

...because the person sitting 3 seats down from me in church today- the one carrying on an adulterous relationship with someone who is MARRIED- would have been smoke. Who do they think they are?? And what ever happened to good old-fashioned church discipline, and holding people accountable for their actions?? We're all so busy being nice and inclusive, and all-consumed with mercy, that we forget that the Bible speaks clearly about continuous, unrepentant sin within the Body. If now's not the time, then WHEN???

Back in the day, when I was in my old church's singles ministry, I took this "Spiritual Gifts Assessment". I didn't know anything about spiritual gifting at the time, but I was about to get schooled! After we'd answered the questions, we were supposed to find the two spiritual gifts that best matched our answers. So we're going around, saying what our "gifts" were, and it's my turn, and I say, "mine are Prophecy and Mercy". The lady leading us was like, "that's impossible- they're opposite gifts. You're not supposed to be both, just one or the other." But there was my score- something like 46 for prophecy and 44 for mercy (with remaining points going to "helps" and "giving").

People who've met me will be quick to agree that I've got the Prophet thing down. My close friends know, though, that Mercy guides my heart, and over-rides the Prophet often. So in today's case, how in the world will Mercy decide to show up and save the world from the relentless Prophet?

She came alright. Like a flash flood, She decimated the tower of Self Righteousness I was building all through the sermon today with the whisper of a reminder that I'm guilty of adultery too, albeit in a slightly different way. And if Jesus' blood can cover my own sin, it can cover anything- even- especially- the sins I want to think are unforgivable.

Those verses in Matthew 18 that speak of Church discipline are quickly followed by verses telling us how to forgive... Coincidence? No way.

Unfaithful

2008-11-28T01:08:00.001-05:00

Can't fathom.
Speechless.

Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

2008-11-24T00:20:00.003-05:00

I heard a voice through the discord of a deluge of passersby...
I saw one gaze frozen in time watching me passing by-
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud- when you're whispering...

"Hey Unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger.
Hey Ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another.
Hey Unloving, I will love you.
I will love you.
I will love you."

You Never Know... (Part 2)

2008-11-21T06:49:00.001-05:00

Someone who became my friend 5 years ago.
Someone who gained my trust.
Someone I loved dearly.
Someone who'd really supported and encouraged me.
Someone I prayed with and for regularly.
Someone I confided in.
Someone I looked forward to spending time with.
Someone I thought would be in my wedding some day- we would celebrate life's big moments together.
Severed her friendship with me 2 months ago, very suddenly, through one seriously polarizing, un-retractable act. I'm still struggling to comprehend how this happened.

The only thing I can turn to for any small amount of comfort or understanding is that GOD KNEW. He knew 5 years ago when we met, and He knew when we were growing our friendship. He knew every time I thanked Him for her that this is how things would turn out. So even though I'm appalled and hurt and miss my friend, I just keep going back to "He knew this before I did..." And because of the last point on the last post's list- "who will return"- I'm holding my breath. God can do anything.

I'm praying for some kind of Circle now- beyond my human mind's imagination or comprehension.

You Just Never Know...

2008-11-21T06:27:00.004-05:00

There is no way of knowing who will play what role in your life.
Who will you meet?
Who will be your friend?
Who will you trust?
Who will trust you?
Who will you love?
Who will you be concerned about?
Who will be concerned for you?
Who will you be there for?
Who will be there for you?
Who will hurt you?
Who will stay?
Who will go?
Who will return?
This is just mind-blowing to me. 3 very recent examples, but just one for now:

A teacher I had for my first class in graduate school. Really non-important to me. I fell asleep in her class- I just wasn't quite ready to be a serious student. I ended up with a good grade, but because of the naps (and very bad memory) I ended up sitting in the class close to the end my grad school career, re-learning, and really LOVED it the second time! Still just a passing figure to me though.

Fast forward 6 years: my teacher is now my co-worker. What a blessing! I get to learn new things all the time at my job because of the strong and knowledgeable mentor/co-worker I gained. And if that wasn't enough, she was the one sitting right next to me when I got the call that my grandmother had died. So she was the one who held my hand while I cried, and hugged me, and comforted me. And that friends, is what first sparked this thought of "you really never know".

You really just have no way of knowing WHO is going to be important to you in the future. Who God's going to insert or re-insert into your story. Makes me want to treat the people I'm prone to think of as "unimportant" or just give passing glances to the best I can in the fleeting moments, 'cause who knows who they might become to me later.

To be continued...

A Full Circle

2008-11-20T21:08:00.005-05:00

Ever done something you didn't really feel like doing, but did it anyway, and then later realized that GOD was telling you to do that, and even more- He blesses you big-time BECAUSE of your obedience? Yeah. It's like that.

I have had this happen SEVERAL times. And though I really don't understand in the moment why a thought crosses my mind, or why I feel so compelled to do *whatever*, the "a-ha"/ lightbulb moment that follows is like a drug. Oh yeah- it is that good. And it makes obedience REALLY desirable. If you are so blessed as to see the fruit of your obedience, it will just drive you to want to obey more.

Two things must be said right here though:
1. "The fruit of my obedience is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be obedient." - A quote from the pastor who shared the Gospel with James Dobson's grandfather, as told by the pastor's granddaughter to me on my first mission trip. You can't be obedient on your own, and you can't do it because you want a reward. That's not obedience- it's manipulation.

2. Beth Moore talked about "full circles", I think in "Believing God". I resented her words. But since reading them, I have seen several circles close- God bringing hurt, frustration, lack of understanding to an amazing -not conclusion- but culmination? Yeah that.

The Circle of the day though (the short version): 4 years ago, an old friend started dating this girl, and I was pretty jealous. In spite of my knee-jerk jealousy, God clearly told me to let go of resentment, and try being her friend. Hard to do in the moment, but it did come. Every time I'd see her, I made a point of talking to her, and before I even realized what'd happened, I was sincere. It was good to see her on our sporadic crossings. Now you're gonna laugh, but through the miracle of FaceBook- oh yes I said that, we connected again over the last year. We've never been super close, but I do love keeping in touch. I knew she was engaged now (different guy), and not living in O-Town anymore. Today I got a message saying "it'd be great if you could come to our wedding". Totally not expected. And the Circle closed. God asked me to do something small for His sake, He honored my obedience, then blessed it, and now I get to celebrate with her at her wedding- something I do not take lightly.

Final point: you never know who will play what role in your life- who will come, stay or go. More on this topic promised in the future. :)

Lyrical Tuesday

2008-11-18T22:41:00.003-05:00

ANYTHING reminds me of a song. I'm pretty sure my life comes with a soundtrack. And you know you've got a happy girl when she scurries the halls humming. Today was a humming kind of day :). So thanks Anne for bringing a song to mind, and "forcing" me into making today lyrical!

Your motives unstable, you're like an unwinding cable car...
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are.
Go your own way- even seasons have changed,
Just burn those new leaves over.
So self-absorbed, you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about.

Backing away from the problem of pain- you never had a home.
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long.
Don't you believe that you've been deceived! Or that you're no better than ___...
The hair in your eyes will never disguise what you're really thinking of.

You're so brilliant-
Don't soon forget grace marked your heart.

This is the correlation of Salvation and Love:
"Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart and with quiet words
I'll lead you in."

--Anberlin

Anything that COULD possibly go wrong...

2008-11-18T19:53:00.005-05:00

...DID go wrong in 2008. Ok, so maybe that's a tad dramatic... but I mean really- see for yourself! In order now:

My boss stopped talking to me.
My home church ended.
I got stuck on a mountain in snow so thick I couldn't see in front of or behind me.
My emotions frequently won the battle of heart versus mind.
I really alienated myself from some of my friends.
I was sick for like 3 weeks, and got the worst, most painful earache every felt by a human.
My friend and I stood up for what's right, and were estranged from our coworkers.
Same friend and I resigned from same job.
I started getting hate mail.
My last check was withheld.
I was threatened with defamation.
My computer died.
My mom drove me over the edge.
My credit limits were (almost) reached.
I was threatened with a lawsuit.
Work stopped coming in.
Home group challenge. Enough said.
My next door neighbor's son harassed one of my girlfriends.
My next door neighbor threatened to get a restraining order against me after I reported what'd happened.
I couldn't find a job to save myself.
I couldn't get myself out of bed.
I lost my church.
I lost my young adults ministry.
I lost my dear friend.
My trust was destroyed.
I lost my last grandmother.
I lost my home group.
I gave up any chance I had to return to PNG any time soon.
A lot of questions were left unanswered.
A lot of prayers were answered with a "no".
Things I never thought I'd lose are now gone.
People let me down.
I let a lot of people down.

It is totally fair to say when something hard happens, there's a refractory period. Could be 2 days, 2 months or 2 years even. This isn't even a full list, and where it stands here, this is like having one disastrous thing happen every 12 days for a whole year. Yeah, that's kind of how it feels too. Just one thing after another. So what's the refractory period for that?

The "alone" thing really weighed me down in all of this. I felt so. unbelievably. alone.

Before you give into the horridly unsympathetic urge to say "oh get over it", who hasn't had a season like this? This is not the post for anything else. But stay tuned. I won't be staying here.

Overflowing...

2008-11-17T20:38:00.002-05:00

Yeah, that's what my thoughts have been doing... This year has been really tough. And I've decided to put pieces of it here. I'd love your comments whenever possible- but I don't really think many people read this... :) Guess I'll find out!

God has really led me through 2008. The only logical explanation I have for having made it through thus far is that He took me by the hand and dragged me through. Or, well, at least He held my hand and walked a step ahead, hacking through the bush as we went along... A lot of this year I felt like I was so alone and unprotected- dealing with one insane thing after another by myself, and practically failing at everything. I'm single as this is written, so humanly speaking, I wasalone. If I'd been truly alone though, I think I'd have ended things. So it must have been God.

I can't narrow down the lessons to one monumental one. But I do want to share some of them, and will do so here. So read on, Dear One.

The Years We Spent Together...

2008-10-08T16:23:00.001-05:00

Slideshow made for the final First Tuesday...

Pastor Joel Hunter's Prayer, Democratic Convention '08

2008-08-29T07:12:00.003-05:00

I really don't know what to think of this yet... I am ok with everything up until the invitation at the end for all faiths to be involved. What do y'all think? Leave comments! (but leave your name please- I'll change it to initials before I post it)

The Church of Oprah

2008-04-06T11:00:00.002-05:00

Hello All!

Here is the lovely deception I promised in an email. If you send me any feedback, it'll be posted here. I pray that you'd share this with other Christians too. I've watched some other stuff about this same thing- this "class" she's offering with Eckhart Tolle, and even some scenes from past shows- and it's all just so sad...

We need to be able to answer. It's just imperative that we as Believers equip ourselves to answer in such a way that is soundly truthful, loving and unswerving.

Changed [ the short film ]

2008-02-09T23:38:00.001-05:00

This is the promo short film that was being made while I was over in PNG last July and August. Look closely, and you see me a few times too! I had a blast doing fun new stuff for this project, and the guys who put it together are just amazing. Enjoy!

Prayers Answered

2007-12-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

Friends and Supporters,

Thank you so much for joining me in prayer for Yagaso. It’s time for “the rest of the story”.

A friend who’s also been to PNG and knows and loves Yagaso called and woke me up this morning with the simple message that Yagaso had heard the full message of the Gospel- that Christ is her Mediator and died in her place to pay for her sins, that she answered questions demonstrating a clear understanding of the entire message of God’s plan for us, and that this morning she was with the Lord. Below is what Janie from ITF sent me as well- the best of the descriptions of events I’ve gotten. I have just wept all day today… Pondering His preservation of this woman’s life just long enough so she could hear His Talk in her own language… Amazed and grateful for her desire to hear God’s Talk in the last few weeks of her life… (she would ask the missionaries for a lesson even on days they weren’t scheduled to teach!) Just in awe at God’s goodness, His grace in Yagaso’s life (and mine and yours), His perfect timing, and His ways, which are soooo much infinitely higher than mine.

YAGASO IS WITH THE LORD!!!! Thanks for all of your prayers. I tried to send out an update several days ago, but with our internet going up and down all the time, apparently it didn't go out. I'm glad, as I didn't have the info I have now.
Rich (Bena missionary) and Heti (tribal believer) went to see Yagaso on Monday morning. Rich started the lesson on Abraham and Isaac, and how God provided a substitute to save Isaac. Heti then took that and used a "tok piksa" (talk picture) to explain how Jesus was the substitute for us. Rich said he just sat back and listened to Heti as in beautiful Bena, he explained very clearly the Gospel. Yagaso said she understood, but was very tired, and wasn't up to answering questions. Rich went back several times this week, but each time, Yagaso was too sick to listen. On Friday morning, Dawn (Rich’s wife) stopped by, and there was Yagaso, sitting up, and very alert. Dawn ran home and got Rich, who went back, and taught another whole lesson ending with Jesus' sacrifice for us. Before, Yagaso wouldn't be able to answer the question "How does God cover our sin?" until after Rich answered the question for her -- then for the rest of the questions, she would remember it. On Friday, he gave her no prompting, and she answered all the questions correctly and completely. (I’ll add that another missionary said she stated several times, “manaka”- “it is true”) She was totally alert, and awake -- more so than she has been in a very long time. Rich went away in amazement at what God had done. Dawn had been praying that God would give her one more chance to hear the Gospel, and He answered that request. That afternoon, Miriam (ITF missionary) went by to see Yagaso -- she was again too weak to even sit up. That Friday morning with Rich was the last time she was coherent and alert. The answers to the questions that Rich asked about Jesus were the last words she spoke. Today (Sunday), at 2:15pm, she stood before her Savior in Heaven. I can hear the wailing from the village as I write this. Praise God that although we will miss that precious, mischievous, fun loving spirit in the village, we can celebrate that she no longer has to live the difficult life she had here on earth. God is good. All the time!!

God IS so good. He loves all of us this much- that He gave His Son as a replacement for the price of our sins. He is a God of second chances, and redemption and grace- and this is such a vivid picture of that to me: that He would come to an old woman high up in a mountain, down a dirt road, on the Far Side of the World, even in her final moments before death, and make Himself known to her. It is NEVER too late! Do you know about this God and what He’s done for you? Or maybe you already know about God… Would you like to know more? I’d love to share with you more about this Jesus that Yagaso is now seeing face to face.

God bless you this Christmas season! If I may serve you through prayer or any other means, please let me know. I look forward to hearing from you!

To My Supporters- A Tiny Update :)

2007-11-25T17:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Ones,

It’s definitely late in coming, and I am so sorry for that… But I have got to take a moment to just sincerely thank you for your part in sending me to New Guinea this year- and twice at that! Some support thru financial giving, some thru prayer, and some of you are simply “there for me” emotionally- when I’m homesick while I’m gone, or when things are weird when I come back. But I am just so very thankful for the roles that ALL of you have played in my short term missions involvement. I can’t do it justice with words- to tell you how grateful I am.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently… it seems so strange at times… The Lord has brought people into my life- who I love dearly- who happen to live on the far side of the world. I can’t see them even half as often as I’d love to, I won’t be the one who shares the Gospel with them, and I don’t even speak their language (well, not their heart language…). I serve them in the most indirect way, really… My time with the Nationals was actually more limited on this last trip than on others. But still- when I would meet some kids I knew on the road, or shake hands with one of the papas up in the villages, or see one of my “favorite” ladies in the kitchen when we worked the same shift- my heart would just melt.

On this last trip, I was in PNG for about 10 days before I got to see my old language helper, Joyce. It was getting dark in the village as I walked thru with some friends, and she saw me before I saw her. I can’t even tell you how amazing it was- to hear her call out to me, and to see her again- and hug her again! I never dreamed back in 2006 that I’d see her again EVER, and now she’s my family.

I never would have dreamed back in 2004- after the first trip- that I’d ever go back to PNG. But this was my 4th adventure there, and by far the best yet! It’s no longer this mysterious place where everything is unfamiliar, customs and culture are weird, and I go timidly. It feels more like home. I know where things are in the kitchen, how to get to the river, and following the “crazy customs” comes pretty naturally now.

I got an email update from the staff at Interface just now, which prompted me to write this, and I will include it at the end of this note. It mentions an elderly woman, “Yagaso”. I saw for myself over the past 18 months just how her health has been declining, and my heart just broke thinking that she didn’t know the Lord. If you want, click on the link to the right labeled "Summer Movie" to watch my Summer 2007 “movie”- she’s in there… And now, she’s listening to “God’s Talk”. I’m just speechless at this. And it brings tears to my eyes- to think that she’s listening now, finally. THAT is why I go. You might just see her some day yourself! In Heaven! That is just so amazing!! I hope there’ll be several of my Bena friends that I can introduce you to someday… Pray with me for them.

Thank you so much again for all that you do and have done for me, and ultimately for the Lord. I love you, and am praying for you as well. Please let me know how I can serve you more specifically-thru prayer or any other means.

And now, here’s the letter:

Greetings from Interface!
God is moving among the Bena Bena!

BENA CHURCH
These are exciting days for the church planting effort here in Bena land.
Since Rich Foster's return from furlough in August, he has been teaching through the book of Mark. There is a consistent group of 6-7 who come to each of the teaching sessions, and these are the ones who are growing spiritually.
These young believers have begun expressing their understanding of God's truths. One said, "I came this morning [to the teaching] not understanding something, but now [after the teaching] I'm walking away knowing God's thoughts on the subject."
Another said, "Some people go away to Bible school to learn about the Bible, but God has brought it to my front door; and in my own language."
Please continue to pray for these young believers that they will hunger for more of God's Word, and will put into practice what He is teaching them.

PHASE ONE TEACHING BEGINNING AGAIN
The Phase 1 Evangelistic Chronological teaching (Creation to Christ) will begin again right here in this area on Tuesday, November 20. The believers are also interested in this as it will offer their family and friends the opportunity to understand the truths they themselves are grasping and enjoying.
The believers are spreading the word that the things they are hearing from the meetings they are understanding clearly for the first time.
Please pray for this next outreach (Nov-Mar), that hearts will be prepared to hear and respond to God's truth. Pray for stamina for Rich, as the Lees and Averharts are both on furlough.

YAGASO
Many of you remember Yagaso and have asked about her. She is still very sharp mentally, but her arthritis is finally preventing her from gardening and getting around as much. Rich has begun teaching her chronologically one-on-one. She is keen for her 'private lessons' and will even show up for another lesson when it's not scheduled for that day! Pray that her spiritual eyes will finally be opened after all these years!
Thank you for sharing in the Bena work through your prayerful interest. We treasure the part you play in the work God is doing here.

The ITF Staff

In His service and for His glory,

Emily Parbhoo

Truth and Harry Potter...

2007-10-29T00:30:00.000-05:00

This is my response to an email sent to me about Harry Potter...

Brothers,

3 ironies: first, that, in light of the email that preceded this one, I wasn't asked to be on this mailing list. But here I am, none the less, and therefore I thank you in advance for your time and patience as I offer a few words in this general direction... Second, I happen to have just taken a class at Northland with Omar as the teacher, and so I can say I know him now, and have seen first hand a little of his line of thought, general wisdom, and his love and knowledge of the Lord. And third, just today in Home Church, we briefly hit on what I want to say now concerning God's Truth. Interesting timing. :)

And here's the jewel! I totally agree with everything BOTH of you are saying. Wow. Is it possible??

Ok. I personally think that HP goes to a place no Christian should be ok with. All of the stuff in the email below- Come on, I am the Queen of quoting those verses! I'll add some references here though for you to visit on your own: Gal. 5: 16-26, Gal. 6:7-8, Eph. 4:17-32, and Eph. 5:3-14. I'll quote from this last reference: "Obscene stories, foolish talk and coarse jokes- these are not for you!... Don't be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the terrible anger of God comes upon all those who disobey Him... Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, rebuke and expose them..." I guess a good thing to remember though, is that we ALL disobey God every day. Who cares if we’re good about not letting some bad stuff in, there’ll be some other vice for each of us. We are all just totally in need of the Holy Spirit to guide and convict us daily.

Ok... All that said, I totally still see what Omar is trying to say, and don't want that to be lost on people either. I don't know if this totally follows his train of thought, but here's another 2 cents: Truth is truth, no matter where it's found. Truth IS absolute, not changeable. So if there is good to be found in something worldly, I don't think we should be afraid to acknowledge it! God is a God of complete truth, and He is the author of all truth. And we can embrace truth without embracing the world or the worldly thing it was wrapped up in. Make sense? Example: Mormons have really great family values. That's like something they're known for. Now their religion is totally nuts, and they think we're all going to have millions of alien babies when we go to Heaven. But GOD mandates care for our families- honoring father and mother, taking care of widows, orphans and our family members in need, etc. THAT is true. Muslims are very committed to modesty. Their religion is totally false, and they don't worship the One True God, but again- there is TRUTH present in that practice of theirs, and that is God's truth. I'm not at all saying accept the religion, I'm only saying it's OK to acknowledge the truth because ultimately it's all God's anyway! God's truth isn't hindered by the world, sin, our backs turned to Him, etc. God's truth is everywhere! So, if Harry Potter fights against evil, demonstrates sacrificial love and redemption, those are all true things. I'm not saying read the books AT ALL. I'm just saying "ok, it's nice to know about the truth that all the pagans reading them will find".

Now, swinging from the same vine, I do not believe truth should be wrapped in lies. To me, that drains the potency of the original truth to be found in the untrue source. (a childish example of this is "the boy who cried wolf", where he might have been telling the truth, but it was disguised in the lies he'd told so often before) Therefore, overall, I can't say I think it's good to read these books in question. Have I read the books? No, just part of the first one a really long time ago. Did I think it was horribly wicked? Hard to say. Bottom line: I don't think we, as Children of the Light, should take part in things that glorify real evil. So that includes fun little kid stories about witches and spells, etc. Will any future child of mine read stuff like this? Not a chance. Any "good message" or "great literature" that can be found in them is lost to me among the other stuff.

Thank you so much for your opinions! Have a wonderful week.

Emily Parbhoo
http://losttakenback.blogspot.com
"What can we bring the LORD? What kind of offering should we give Him?... O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what He requires of you: do what is right, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." -- Micah 6:6-8

-----Original Message-----
From: Ralph

Omar,

I understand that you're trying to peacefully spread your opinions to
others, but you have no idea what you're opening up. I disagree with you.
Based on your logic, anything goes! I mean heck, if you can extract "good"
from any Hollywood movie, then they're all okay to see! Right? Wrong Omar.
Your message stated nothing about "fleeing from evil", "avoiding perverse
talk", "avoiding sorcery and mediums of witchcraft", standing against what
God calls an "abomination", and just general common sense. Not to mention
the Potter movies are packed full of languages and tongues that we know
nothing about! Did you bother studying what reference books the author uses
for all of those magic words and spells? I'm willing to bet you didn't.

This is how Satan works Omar, he mixes in lies with the truth. Harry Potter
tries to teach kids that there are other kinds of "good" apart from
Christ/God. Overall, the characters conquer evil through FICTIONAL practice.
Not truth. Not through Christ.

Omar, I'm not trying to slam you here, but before you send out messages, you
should consider studying up a little further and inviting the Spirit in more
in your so called "gray areas". Otherwise your messages are just haphazard.

In love and rebuke,
Ralph

-----Original Message-----
From: Omar Gonzalez
Sent: Sunday, October 28, 2007 1:22 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: RE: "Bella" is opening in Theatres this weekend.

I likewise would encourage all to attend Bella, but
would remind you not to be so quick to dismiss Potter.
This certainly is a grey area where Christians have
room to disagree, and for those Potter fans who don't
feel the need to avoid the next series, don't feel
like you have to, you do not. There isn't any mandate
in scripture that would prohibit viewing. The series
borrows great literary and mythical elements from many
classics in western literature, including Greek and
Roman mythology. The message is ultimately positive
with even a redemptive message in the self-sacrifice
of Potter, the victory of love and good over evil, the
master of death. The series has many biblical
reference in it as well. These are the themes that
make for great literature, including the danger of
prejudice and intolerance towards those that are
differen than us (mug-bloods). Like Star Wars,
Indiana Jones series, and Matrix, Potter is
syncrenistic (mixes different ideology) but this
should not discourage viewing. It certainly doesn't
fall into the same category as a Narnia or Lord of the
Rings, but scripture doesn't prohibit the reading of
fantasy literature. Now, if anyone is seriously
thinking about joining a coven and becoming a Wiccan,
than we have to talk.

Keep the faith! and always remember to respectfully
disagree in love!

Omar

Summer Movie

2007-09-02T23:27:00.001-05:00

Ok, making these little "movies" has become a soft addiction for me... Good thing this one's done, and I'm not going back for a while! If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please let me know via email.

(Some) News and Prayer Requests (Update #2)

2007-07-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Ok, here's the thing about PNG: 1 day here can feel like multiple days. So to me, instead of being here for just 2 1/2 weeks, it feels like I've been here for about 3 months. I swear- for like 2 days now, I've been just antsy- wanting to write you, but 3 things: first- I don't like feeling like I'm "writing home from camp", second- I don't want to bug you with too many notes, and third- when I did finally check the calendar just now, I realized that it's only been a WEEK since I last wrote!! I thought for sure it'd been like 2 weeks! Too bad- I'm writing anyway!!!

And now the funny thing- there's not a whole lot to report!!! I just am really missing people today...

This week started with the totally amazing tribal visit I'd mentioned last letter, and went on to include a "staged mumu", a trip to Goroka, and a hike to the River (my favorite hike here). Good stuff!! We said goodbye to some of the girls helping with Hospitality on Thursday, and then the GI guys (film crew) left this weekend. So it's been quieting down here a bit.

Friday before GI took off, we got to see a very rough cut of what the film "might" be like, and it was amazing. I can't wait to show it to you guys back home. I got to do a lot of new and fun things on this trip because I was part of the "film crew", and I am sooooo thankful for that!! Also, God used these guys to tangibly demonstrate some very God-pleasing characteristics- wisdom, patience, compassion, servanthood, total reliance on the Lord- and I'm really grateful for that as well. ( P.S.- remind me to tell you a really cool story about the family of the camera guy!)

The students are all enjoying their taste of tribal life. This is a very young group- about half of them are 16-19. I've NEVER interacted with this age group before now, and I will say- it's a breath of fresh air. All of them are so obviously in love with the Lord, and already feel like they want to serve God thru missions- and I've just never witnessed that in people of this age group before. It's really awesome! I love the girls the most- they come into the Kitchen to ask how I'm doing, and if they can help with things, they want me to go with them to the village, and to do stuff with them after classes. They invited me to a little "all-girls-night-in-cabin-2"- complete with popcorn-which was fun until they started trying to convince me that one of the GI guys and I were "so MFEO". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! They make me laugh a lot- it's the best. I know I shouldn't but I totally have my favorites. :) This has been a very good experience!

I'm gonna go straight to some prayer requests now, and also say that I'd love it if you'd send me some for you as well.

1. For guidance and wisdom when talking with the girls.
2. For time with Nationals- I haven't spent a lot of time with nationals here thus far, and I'd like to.
3. For Dave and Sally Cross- an amazing couple who I totally adore- they have been at Interface for 16 years- the entire time they've been married, and they will be leaving permanently just 2 weeks after I leave. So pray for packing and planning, and letting go of a long ministry, and for a smooth transition- of "the reigns" here, and back into western life.
4. For the finishing of this film project- there's been mixed reactions from staff, and I just hope and pray that clear communication results in a finished product that everyone is happy with, and that clearly represents Interface for future participants.
5. For Kara Shaylor- she is one of the ITF coordinators from back home (she and her husband live in Deltona). She has lung problems, and because of the higher altitude here, she's been very sick- to the point that she and Doug had to leave the program and go stay at Lapilo (NTM regional headquarters) so she could be close to the health clinic at all times.
6. For my heart- while I am very happy here, I'm missing people (you guys).
7. For re-connection when I come home.
8. For trip finances.

I've seen my old language helper, Joyce, and her little boy Rich a few times now, and it's been so good! Upon seeing eachother again the first time, we hugged for a good long time. I wanted to see Baby Rich immediately, and while I was holding him, she called me "susa bilong Rich" (Rich's sister), and "pikinini bilong mi" (her daughter). I'd never heard her say that before, and I wanted to cry. (it's a little funny, because she's actually younger than me, but whatever- I've got a Bena Mama)

Oh- one more very cool thing (for me): I got to see the Milky Way here! Like 3 times now! The nights here can be soooo amazingly clear at times, and the stars just stand out so brightly! No ambient/ city lights here to mute them! One night a while back now I noticed that a "cloud arch" wasn't moving- it would have been the only "clouds" in the sky- and I was told it was the Milky Way. Very cool. I see things like that, and the beauty that is every which way you can possibly turn here, and think, "who says there's no Creator? This could have happened by chance?? NO WAY!"

Thank you so much again- just for even reading this, for sending me, and for praying for me. Thank you so much for all that you do! I am so grateful for the family and friends God's put in my life.

Lukim Yu Nau.

One Amazing Day (Summer Update #1)

2007-07-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Folks!

This isn't even a real "update"- I've been a little sick, and very busy, and haven't had time yet to write something extremely long. (Lucky you :) ) So many cool things have happened! But for now, here's a summary of today (Sunday July 15th for me- still Saturday for you).

First off, let me explain that there are some guys here working on a film project. They're making a short film about ITF, for future promotional use. Well, they need "movie stars", and I get to be part of their team. It's pretty sweet.

Today, my "big assignment" was to go on a trip to a tribe, so we could join the Believers in a worship service. I was so excited!! It was like a mini-sidetrip. So, we loaded up early, and traveled down the Highlands Highway (in the OPPOSITE direction of town- I've never been that way :) ), to a long bumpy road, over a bridge that was really scary because so much of it was missing, to the Yagaria tribe.

I didn't know this, but Yagaria was only the second work New Tribes began in PNG- back in the 1950's. Wow.

We got there, met up with the man who was "hosting" us, Iteve, and then started hiking to the church. This was like a 30 minute hike- down one steep slope and up another, complete with cliffs, water holes, and a mud pit. Waaaaay up at the top of the last ridge, there was a little village with some cool houses, and the church.

The girls and I sat down, and very soon ladies and children from the village started coming up to us and sitting with us. "Detene!" (good morning in Yagaria) I met a little girl named Darcy, and then a lady who explained (in Pidgin) that she was Darcy too- the namesake of the little girl. I got to meet Darcy's mom, and she was Eteve's wife. The ladies were fascinated with my curly hair, so they were playing with it, and I was just loving all of this! We talked and talked until it was time to go in.

So we file in, men on one side, women and children on the other. I'd brought my Pidgin Bible with me, so I could follow along with references. I tend to understand more Pidgin than I can speak, so I was able to follow along for a lot of the service. (Eteve spoke in tok ples, then would repeat what he said in pidgin for us) We sang some songs, and then listened to a message.

I tell you... being there, in that little one room church, on top of a hill, in the middle of the Highlands- it's the best thing. I WISH you could have been there with me... Because these silly typed out words don't do it justice...

Iteve said that though we're from different places, we have "one bel" (one heart), and "one lain" (we're of the same family)- we all belong to God. He said this church doesn't matter to God. The name we give ourselves, and the building- it doesn't matter. What matters is our belief in Jesus- God's son. He said the Bible will straighten your thinking, show you your sin- it's God's talk, and it's got power like nothing else. He said Jesus died on the cross, and that gives us a relationship with God. He referred to 1Peter 2:2 (I think) where it talks about spiritual food, and encouraged us to grow, and come up big- the kind of believer God wants us to be. When we do this, we'll be blessed with spiritual fruit (Gal. 5). He reminded us that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever (Heb. 13:8). We can do good things, but if you're doing it for other men or for yourself, you're coming short of serving God. Jesus' work makes us pleasing to God. He talked about how a new car or a big house can make people in the USA, Australia, New zealand and PNG feel like they're happy, but we need to be filled with happiness from the Holy Spirit. He said that in God's eye, our souls are more expensive than "4 billion dollars". We are priceless to God. He reminded us that we "come up clean already" (John 15:3), and that if we come close to God, He will come close to us (James 4:8).

Wow.

All this from a man in the middle of the forest, on top of a hill in the mountains of New Guinea.

At the end, the Papa of the tribe stood up, and explained that many years ago, he was the one who had invited the New Tribes missionaries to come there so they could share "God's talk" with them there in Yagaria, and he was so happy to have us there today too, to worship with them and share God's talk again. Like one of the film guys said- "we are in the presence of a saint", and really- this tiny little old man just radiated.

Friends- the church is alive. AND- it is in places you wouldn't even dream of. Today was such a sweet reminder to me that when we get to Heaven, it's not just going to be a "reunion" with just the believers we happened to be friends with. These people I met today are going to be there. The people I'll never see again in Pawaia (from Jan-Feb 2006) are going to be there. The 5 believers I met in Kaul in Feb 2007 will be there. People you and I can't even imagine will be there- from EVERY tribe, tongue and nation. And it WILL be like a reunion- we'll be so happy to see eachother- these people from times past and times still to come- that all worship the One True God. I get emotional just thinking about this- it's such a beautiful thing.

I pray every person reading this will get to MEET these people some day, because we have "One Bel". One heart. Isn't that cool?? You could meet these same people!

I gotta get going- some of the students are having a special little thing tonight and I promised I'd go. I love you, and hope you are doing well! Please write me! It took about 7 days before I started getting homesick! Share prayer requests- I'd love to pray for you!

NEW Prayer Requests (3 days away)

2007-06-29T15:15:00.000-05:00

I leave in 3 more days... I can't believe this.

Please pray for me. Satan always ALWAYS attacks me- either right before, or right after one of these trips... (sometimes both) And now is no exception to that.

The biggest thing I am in need of is prayer for heart discipline. Also that I would be open and willing to learning some really hard lessons I believe God's trying to teach me right now. I want sooooo badly to be within God's will concerning this one thing... I pray for deliverance if this situation isn't God's will, and He opens doors instead of closing them. I pray for reduction of self, and instead a whole lot of pride comes out. I pray for GOD'S will to be my will, and I see all of this playing out, and it's just disheartening...

Please pray about trip finances- as of today, I believe there is still $1600 left to raise.

Please praise God with me for His provision of the job that I have- at my school- because my coworkers and some of the kids' parents really overblessed me today. It was so amazing!

I feel like I'm "floating" right now... I don't know what God wants me to do... I'm wishing one situation would be over and done with in one breath, and praying for help and healing in the next.

So please remember me.

And I will remember you. I would LOVE to pray with and for you- for any need that you might have. Please share with me at your discretion. I will still have email access on this trip, and can be reached at angelaxid@gmail.com.

Prayer Requests

2007-06-13T05:54:00.001-05:00

Well, it's crunch time- less than 3 weeks before the Exit, and I'm getting VERY excited! How crazy-blessed am I to get to go AGAIN!?

I do have some prayer requests- some a little sillier than others, but all still are prayer needs.

1. For the team that's going as we travel- it's a pretty large group- I believe 29 total. Please pray for our patience in airports, and for bonding and fellowship in the first few days we're together.

2. For ministry opportunities with these students- I'm going primarily for them- so, please pray that I will be alert to whatever needs they have that may arise.

3. For a roommate for me back home- I would really appreciate one- haven't had one in almost a full year now...

4. (here's a silly one) Like on the last trip, I really want to go on Side Trip if possible! But I'm being more specific this time- I want to go to MADANG on Side Trip! I've been back to PNG twice since 2004, and have not been able to return to Madang... But it's highly likely that one of the side trips will be to there. I have a feeling that this will either be my last trip to PNG, OR it will be a while before I return... and I just want to go back to the first place I visited.

5. For trip finances- as of today, I have about 50% raised, and still need $2200. I'm not at all worried though, because God's definitely proven to be my Great Provider in the past, and praise Him- I think I know better now!

6. For travel plans when I return home in July- my tickets for U.S. travel are close to $1000. Also, I may have to go immediately into a stressful family setting the day after I return, and I really just don't want to... So for God's will to be played out in this.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PRAYERS!! Please tell me how I can best pray for you as well. It would be such an honor!

My Pastor Takes On Hillary Clinton

2007-06-07T19:29:00.001-05:00

I love my pastor, and my church!

Summer 2007 Support Letter

2007-05-28T13:43:00.000-05:00

“I’ve called you back from the ends of the earth, you are My servant. I’ve chosen you and will not throw you away. Don’t be afraid- I am with you. Don’t be discouraged- I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:9-10

These verses came to me as I was preparing to return to the States, and was about to be thrown into a bad situation. God calmed me, and assured me He’s got a purpose for me. I haven’t figured out what that is yet, but praise Him with me for meeting me in this moment!

WOW!! Thank you so much for your prayer and/or financial support of my missions involvement!! This last trip was the best yet! I went intent on serving the students at INTERFACE. And while I did that, the trip turned into much more than just a serving opportunity.

The “big lesson” God spoke to me was if you want to share Christ with someone, you have to be Christ to them first. Love them. Meet them where they are in life, instead of insisting people elevate to your expectations. This is true service!

I saw this first hand with New Tribes too- in principle and practice. A lot of time is spent with the Nationals- learning their language- extensively, not just “enough”, learning the culture and practices, learning about the people- their families, joys, sorrows. The missionaries pour their lives into the people they serve. They want to be a part of their lives, and to see them in Heaven some day. They want them to understand clearly that Jesus is the only way to the Father.

It isn’t about which day you worship, the songs you sing, or order of prayer. It’s not about what or how much you can give up “for God”. It’s not about being right, or letting someone else know they’re wrong. (oh man do I feel convicted on those!!) It’s not about having the answer all the time! It IS about loving people, meeting needs, and showing Christ thru your actions and words. It is about dying to self. And all of this is summarized in the sweet word “Relationship”. It all boils down to our relationship with the Lord, followed by our relationships with others, and our dying relationship with the World.

It was the relationships I encountered that were the most enjoyable element to me. I loved getting to know the students- what an awesome group just sold out for the Lord! I got to know the staff better too, and I treasure them even more now! The best was getting to know the Nationals. I absolutely loved being with the ladies every day in the kitchen, and then seeing them in the villages or on the road. Meeting little Lime (leemay) and Apahe (a-pa-hay) again (the children in the picture) was such a treat! Learning language with them, laughing and playing, and walking home together… It warmed my heart, and built in me a desire to serve them more.

And now, that is why I am returning in July and August. To continue to build relationships with those same people. I will be serving in the same capacity as I did this time- helping in the kitchen, doing office stuff, running the snack bar occasionally, and just meeting needs for the students in any way that I can. I can’t even tell you how excited I am! YAY!!!

I beg you to pray with me:
1. Praise for this new opportunity- God has really opened the right doors to allow me to return from July 2- August 10, 2007.
2. For trip finances ($4000), and for home finances while I’m gone.
(If you, thru prayer, feel led to donate toward my missions
involvement, you can do so securely online here.)
3. Satan loves attacking after mountain top experiences, and these past few months being home have been no exception to that. Please pray for:
- my relationship with the Lord– that it would grow, and
for submission to His will over my own.
- heart issues that have arisen that I’m struggling with
- fellowship opportunities
- deeper friendships and trust to grow
- a roommate

I want you to know you are cherished! You are so important to me! May I pray for you as well? It would be an honor to serve you thru prayer, or in any other tangible way. I’d love to hear how you’re doing, what you’ve been up to recently, and to just reconnect with you some time. I thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

Thank you so much for sending me!! I look forward to serving you soon!

DIFFERENT Video

2007-05-02T23:24:00.000-05:00

Missions Video

2007-03-25T08:46:00.001-05:00

Note to viewers:
This little movie contains views that I can only claim as my own. They are not necessarily that of New Tribes, Revolution, or Northland. It's going to be fairly clear how I feel about some stuff, and what I believe about the world's perspective on serving versus a Christ-centered perspective. One who is "lukewarm", or maybe not a Believer at all, may find its content questionable. I hope, instead, you find it commendable.

PNG 2007 Slide Show

2007-03-11T22:18:00.001-05:00

PNG Update #3: Side Trip, Lessons, and the Return "Home"

2007-03-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

Oh boy… Big shame on me… I’ve been back in the States since Feb. 13, and back in Orlando since Feb. 22, and I’m only NOW getting to an update?? Uh-oh… Well, lots to cover then!

In the last email I’d sent from PNG, I’d said I was able to go on the Side Trip with the students. We split into 2 teams for this, and my team went to Kandrian, West New Britain (in the Islands J) to a little village called Ais (“ice”) to visit the Kaul tribe. The church there is very small- 5 believers! 3 men and 2 of their wives. There is a large Catholic influence in Kandrian that goes back many years now, and leaving the “church” is highly looked down upon. These 5 men and women are very much shunned in the village and by their families- all for the sake of believing in Christ as their only hope for Salvation.

Their perseverance and love of Our Lord and of Truth is so inspiring! Because of their faith, they don’t have to look hard or go far to find trouble. It literally comes to them- in the village, in the market, etc. This was encouraging to me also because these men (and their wives) are roughly my age. They ranged from 22 to about 35 (hmmmm… Revolution age- let’s branch out! J)

My favorite thing by far was our time spent in worship with the Believers. At the beginning, one of the men got up and did a complete run-through of the Chronological teaching up to the point where they were because one family member was present who’d missed several weeks. He spoke in pidgin, so I could understand him, and that was really cool! Then, the man who taught the day’s lesson had never taught before, and was very nervous, being that he had “special company” to talk to also. He spoke in tok ples (“talk place”- pidgin term for the tribal language), so we couldn’t understand him. I could follow along in my Bible when he gave scripture references though. He was teaching on Cain and Abel, and how their offerings were different, and how God accepted the blood sacrifice of Abel, but not the grain sacrifice of Cain. I could see that he was so nervous his hands were shaking! I kept praying for him throughout- that his message would be clear and accurate, and for God to calm his nerves. Later on, talking to the missionaries, they reported that he’d done a very good, thorough, accurate job of teaching. Yay!

There was AWESOME beauty all around in the Islands, and plenty of fun stuff to do too- like swimming/canoeing (our house was literally a stone’s throw from the ocean), snorkeling (beautiful reefs!), hiking, playing with the nationals, etc. This side trip was amazing! Thank you so much for your prayer support for it!

I was glad to return to Goroka though! That, to me, is home. Interface specifically. I love the campus, the people I know will be there, the Bena people who are constantly walking thru Interface, their little villages, the dirt road, everything. I love riding in PMV’s to Lapilo (NTM Highlands Headquarters) and visiting all the missionaries there- several of whom I know personally now. And the thing I like most- the Market! (figures- I’m a girl’s girl, and I still love shopping- even if it’s for coconuts, kumu, and meri blouses J)

It’s funny to me- on each of the trips that I’ve taken, I have definitely learned valuable lessons. But when I really think about it, they seem to be the most obvious things! It’s just like a light bulb turns on for the first time in my head… I don’t like that these seemingly simple, obvious things aren’t so obvious to me naturally, but I am very glad to learn the lessons nonetheless, and know that God’s timing for revealing things to me (and you) is perfect regardless.

In 2004, the big lesson was that the fruit of my obedience to Christ is not my responsibility- my responsibility is to be obedient to Christ. I could do what the Lord tells me to do, and never find out the reason behind it, or see “fruit” of that action, or even fully understand why I’m doing it. But it doesn’t matter- He doesn’t call me to understand all things, but to follow Him in all things.

In 2006, the lessons were two-fold: first, that nothing is beyond God. No detail of my life falls outside of His gaze. He is in control of my life, and is worthy of my trust. I can’t even begin to convey how comforting that single truth has been- especially throughout the course of 2006 (a very “laden” year for me). The second lesson is taken from a movie I watched called “The Cross and The Crescent”- dealing with outreach to Muslims- “the power of the Gospel is greater than the powers of this world. Do not be intimidated by the difficulties you will face. We, as humans, can reach peoples’ ears, but the Holy Spirit will bring the message down to their hearts. We can water, take care, and cultivate. But GOD does the growing. That is very important for us to know! The burden is NOT on our shoulders- but is on the Cross. We must be vessels- the hands and feet and mouths of God to deliver the message as accurately and faithfully as we can.”

2007 didn’t exactly bring a new message, but it really drove home something I think the Lord has been revealing to me since about August of 2006- and that is the importance of relationship. It’s all about relationship. It really is! If you want to share Christ with someone, BE Christ to them first. Love them. Meet them where they are in life, instead of insisting people meet you, and elevate to your expectations. This is true service!! I see this in several ministries I support: “To Write Love On Her Arms” (reaches out to people battling depression and/or addictions), the XXX Church (reaches out to porn stars and others in the pornography industry), Word Made Flesh (meets a variety of community needs in different parts of the world- and specifically working with women in the sex industry in Calcutta).

I saw this first hand in New Guinea too- both the principle and the practice. Lots of missions organizations will go into a place, and immediately present the Gospel to the people they meet. They feel such an urgency- and that is surely to be commended. But when haste is the practice, and “conversions” the goal, there is a danger that arises: that the Message is distorted, that beliefs will be mixed, and that true faith is not the fruit.

I love that what I witnessed was completely different! A lot of time is spent with these nationals. Time learning their language- extensively, not just “enough”, time learning about their culture and practices, time learning about the people- their families, their joys, sorrows. The missionaries I’ve encountered pour their lives into the people they are there to serve. It’s so inspiring to see too… They want to be a part of their lives, and they want to be able to see them in Heaven some day, and they want them to understand clearly, without question, that Jesus is the only way to the Father. Not any work of man, not any chant, not how much money they have or give.
It is not about the day you worship, or the songs you sing, or order of prayer. It’s not about what you can give up “for God”, or what you do or don’t practice. It’s not about being right, or letting someone else know they’re wrong. (oh man do I feel convicted on those!!) It’s not about having the answer all the time! It IS about loving the people God has put in your life. Meeting needs. Showing them Christ thru your actions and words. Dying to self. (that’s huge by the way) And all of this can be summed up in the sweet word “Relationship”. It all boils down primarily to our relationship with the Lord, closely followed by our relationships with others, and our ever-dying relationship with the World.

So it’s all about relationship. Building relationships. My close friends can vouch- this is tough for me. (ask me about my homegroup history some time ) I welcome the challenge though, and look forward to what God’s doing in my heart and in my life. Praise God that I can at least see the importance!

And it was the relationships on this trip that were the most enjoyable element to me. I loved getting to know the students- what an awesome, dynamic group of people just sold out for the Lord! I got to know the staff better too, and I treasure them even more now! But the best was getting to know some of the Nationals. Remember- some of them remembered me from last year, so they got to know me better too. Julie, Rose, Efeke, Kessie- just to name a few. I absolutely loved being with them every day in the kitchen, and then seeing them on occasion in the villages or on the road, getting to sit down and work on our bilums together, or just “story” back and forth- practicing my Pidgin. Meeting little Lime (leemay) and Apahe (a-pa-hay) again (the children from the road at New Camp) and getting to spend time with them, playing “pig pig dog” and tag and the limbo in the villages- that was pure joy for me. I even got to see the lady who’s baby died while I was there last year. That was why I went!

And now, that is why I am returning in July and August. To continue to build relationships with those same people. I will be serving in the same capacity as I did this time- helping in the kitchen, doing office stuff where needed, running the snack bar occasionally, and just meeting needs for the students in any way that I can. I can’t even tell you how excited I am! My local friends will vouch- I’m literally bouncing off the walls I’m so excited!

Back here in the States... I wanted a buffer between the trip and "home", so I spent time with some friends in Colorado before diving into life here. A very good thing too! It was wonderful to be in a completely different environment, collect my thoughts, ask for advice, play with the kids, and sleep. There's been some inevitable stress, but different from last year (and anything is better than that experience!). I'm being daily reminded of my dependence on the Lord, and the importance of staying connected with my friend relationships here too.

I beg you to pray with me:
1. For this new trip (praise for the opportunity), for finances, and for the other team members.
2. For wisdom in planning, time management, money management, etc. I still have not completely ruled out going to Calcutta, and am earnestly seeking the Lord’s will on this.
3. Satan loves attacking after mountain top experiences, and this was no exception to that. Please pray for heart issues that have arisen- that I’d leave God in control, and be submissive to His will- consistently.

I want you to know you are cherished! You are so important to me! May I pray for you as well? It would be an honor to serve you thru prayer, or in any other tangible way. I thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

Thank you so much for sending me!!

PNG Update #2 (long, but there's a story in here :)

2007-01-22T18:35:00.000-05:00

Wow!! 19 days still to spend in Paradise- 21 till I see American soil. Time flies when you're having fun :).

I want to thank you again for your prayers and support of all natures. I'm so very thankful to be here in PNG, and this trip couldn't have happened without you!

This trip has been everything I prayed for. The biggest thing I desired was to build relationships with the students, staff, and Bena- and God has definitely allowed that to happen. The students and Assist team members are fantastic. Good friendships have been forged amongst us, and I know we'll be in touch for times to come. It'll be neat to hear about what they do in the future- either with missions or in daily life.

Just like last year, I find myself spending a LOT of time in the evenings with Dave and Sally Cross- a dear couple who just pour themselves into whomever is around them. They are such good role-models, and so inviting! Also very good sources of wisdom and encouragement. Sally heads up the kitchen too, so I get double time with her.

And the Nationals- that's the best part for me. When I arrived here, a few of the girls in the Kitchen recognized me. Julie was one who remembered me from last year. Then going to the village on different occasions now, I've been able to spend time with Joyce- my old language helper (and her baby), Quala- who had baby Jill with her last year (Jill now lives in Goroka with another relative), Lucy- a lady who does laundry here who remembered me, and Yagaso- the grandma of the village. A few days ago, we walked to another village, "New Camp", and I saw the same children walking on the road that I saw last year! Yesterday (Monday for me), we went up to the village for Market Day, and all the girls from the Kitchen called out to me by name. That is soooo cool!!

Yesterday in Yamo-yalo (closest village) at the market, I ran into Julie from the Kitchen. She was carrying a bilum (string bag) that she was still working on, and I told her she should help me with mine. She said to bring it to the Kitchen that night when we were both working. She also introduced me to her daughter, Joy. I forgot my bilum, because I was in such a rush to get to the kitchen in the afternoon, but she did ask me about it, and I told her I was sorry, I'd bring it tomorrow (today). Later on while working, Julie started saying something in Pidgin, and I couldn't quite follow. Sally told me she was saying that she's been watching me, and that she admired me, thought I was pretty, and liked having me around the kitchen when she worked. I got so bashful then! I said "thank you true" and turned bright red. But I was sooooooooooo very happy!! Yay! I really like Julie too.

Sally and I got stuck in the kitchen for an extra half hour last night because of a small storm, so we sat, drank coffee and chatted. I asked her about the work meris- are any of them believers? She said no, there was only one believer in the group (of about 10 I think) that she knew of for sure. I asked, "What about Julie?" She told me no. Since she's known Julie, she's been with several different men, all of whom (she claims) have left her because she can't have children (it turns out Joy is her adopted daughter- probably taken from another family member). Some she's been married to, and some she hasn't. Apparently, she hasn't really shown interest in hearing the teaching from the missionaries who work among the Bena.

Instantly- in hearing (a little of) her story- my heart just went out to her. Many of you know my testimony- I would be willing to bet that this lady and I have some parallel areas- in spite of our cultural differences. She and I have experienced the same hurts, felt the same pain... I wish she would know the Lord, and find His peace and rest and comfort... It makes me so sad to think that she doesn't have that right now, and is blind to the fact that she needs Him!

That leads me to Prayer Requests:
1. For Julie- that someday her heart will melt, and that she would come to know the Lord.
2. For the Bena people- who haven't shown great interest in the Bible teachings over the past year. I want to see these people in Heaven! They have become so dear to me.
3. For my perseverence with time spent in the Word and with the Lord. I could definitely do better in this area...
3. PRAISE- I get to go on sidetrip!! YAY!! So also for safety while flying, and while in the tribe.
4. PRAISE- ALL of my trip money has now been raised. God is so good and faithful- why do I ever doubt?!

Well folks, I haven't yet been fired from working in the kitchen, but have instead been given more independant jobs and less instruction. I guess there's a girl who can cook hiding inside me somewhere :).

Love and miss you all! Wish you were here!

Emily.

PNG Update #1

2007-01-17T05:14:00.001-05:00

Dear All!

You are very much missed and loved!! Ok, I had to get that out... I just got access to email yesterday, and I feel like there's already so much to say!! I won't overwhelm with every detail, though it is tempting... Hopefully I can send some pictures in the future. I'm too tired to deal with that right now though :).

First, Thank you to those who came out last Sunday to Jess's place- that meant so much to me!

I can't even tell you in adequate words what I felt flying into Goroka. And coming up the bumpy muddy rocky road to ITF... It didn't take long to unpack and get settled into my little round house (no cabin this year). And now- I am where and as I've wanted to be since I left this place last year. My feet are dirty (had to wear the rainboots today!), my tummy's full, my bug net is up, I'm wearing skirts, and cooking constantly (can you even imagine!?). I am HOME. I am so happy, and feel so blessed to be here! Again!

With that feeling comes another, of contemplation I guess... Good thing I'm in our Father's hands. I will say though- I covet your prayers on my behalf in regards to decision making and future missions involvement.

My time here at ITF will mainly be spent helping in the Kitchen- we cook for 45-60 people at a time, plus have to prepare things in advance for Side Trip (when the students visit a tribe). They've also got me running the Kai Bar (snack bar) between classes, and doing little office jobs too. I am thankful that God has allowed for ample time to spend with the students- this is such a good group! They're who I came to serve, and I'm really enjoying doing so, and getting to know them. I have lots of time to spend with Sally- my favorite staff person here, and her husband Dave- both very good sources of encouragement and wise counsel.

I've been to the villages once thus far- haven't seen my old language helper, but heard she had a baby. Lots of familiar faces, but it's hard to put names and faces together quite yet... The ladies who help in the kitchen remembered me, which I thought was kinda cool.

On Sunday, the speaker during church talked about having a passion for God, versus inadvertently having a passion for other things over God. It's so easy to forget that love for God is more than just knowledge OF Him, more than just obeying rules we think will please Him... It's the most important thing! Paul prays in Eph.1:7 that we would be blessed with wisdom and revelation, so that we would know God better. Paul is referring to an experiential knowledge here. I hope each of you grows in this type of knowledge of Our God.

I do have some prayer requests- some are kind of silly, but still they're requests!

1. For the teaching in the Bena tribe- they heard the Gospel in 2006, but seem to have a very low level of spiritual interest, and lots of "lotu-ism", or "playing church" without true belief. This area has been very "missionized" in the past, by people who had good intentions, but didn't communicate the message in an effective manner. The result now is very mixed beliefs, and real reluctance to any different message (including the Truth).
2. (this is the silly one) I really would like to go on Side Trip with the students! This would be a total bonus for me.
3. For finances to continue to come in for me- especially since I want to go on sidetrip, because that's an extra $200 or so (since we have to fly into the location).
4. For health to maintain- Last year I wasn't sick at all, and I've already been sick after just a week here...
5. For stamina- it's easy to want to nap in the sun, or on my breaks, and I want to be as helpful and involved as possible. Jetlag stinks...
6. For the Spirit's control over my mind- it's easy to think about situations I left behind, and it's very easy for me to get homesick. It took 4 days for it to kick in last year, this year it took a full 8- so that's improvement! I just pray that my focus would be on Christ first, students and staff next, and the surrounding Bena.

I love you all, and wish you could be here too! I wish you could witness the beauty of this place. You'd never want to leave either. Please send me your prayer requests, if you have any- that I may pray for you more effectively.

Emily.

Why I Go...

2006-12-26T01:17:00.000-05:00

I've been sick over the Christmas weekend... It stinks- flu-like stuff, mainly a headache. I drove back to Orlando from West Palm Beach tonight, and decided to just relax, watch the last half of "End Of The Spear" and lie down (I'd watched the first half last week). I got to the part where Dayumae comes back with some of the wives and children of the killed missionaries to the Waodani tribe, and this part always ALWAYS gets me... Here's the dialogue:

Dayumae: the wood bee family wanted to tell you "Waengongi" doesn't want anyone to kill. (Waengongi is the name for their revered figure)

Mincayani and other men: Waengongi!??

Her statement is met with great surprise, and suspicion.

Mincayani: How do they know what Waengongi says?

Dayumae: Waengongi marked his trail with carvings. They say we shouldn't kill.

(another man): Where are these carvings? Show them. (agreement rises from the other men)

(later)

Kimo: Why didn't the wood bee men shoot us?

Dayumae: They came to tell you Waengongi has a son. He was speared...But he didn't spear back. So the people spearing him would one day live well.

What is so stinking moving to me? Why to I get emotional every time I see this?

It's the use of culture and language. Those missionaries got it! They didn't just go to these people, who'd rarely ever even seen white men before, and say, "Jesus died for you. Believe in Him, and be saved." They didn't start with something totally foreign to those Waodani, and try to push it on them. Instead, they used things that were already familiar to them. They incorporated culture AND language, all the while building relationships with the people in that tribe and surrounding tribes. And the results were astonishing!

Do you support any type of mission work that spreads the Gospel among different language groups? I would encourage you to look in to those groups' practices. How do they go about things? Is their goal to quickly produce a new translation of the Bible? Or do they actually take the time needed to learn about a peoples' culture? Do they incorporate culture and heritage into the language translation? Or do they try to literally interpret the Bible? These are very legitimate and important questions.

So, the question: Why do I go?

I've asked that a lot recently, myself. This next trip... I've struggled with God's will versus my own concerning going back. I'll be totally honest: I'm running big time. So many heartaches in 2006- the last time I felt completely safe and at peace, I was on the Far Side Of The World. I've wanted to be back there since the day I returned to the States.

But then I see a movie that is all about tribal missions, and I am reminded of the real reason I am going: IT'S FOR THEM. Ultimately, it's not at all about me. It has nothing to do with running, or whether or not it was my will or God's. I am going for the sole purpose of serving, in whatever capacity I am needed, in order to help expedite the carrying of the Gospel to people who've never heard before in their own language, in a manner that is most understandable.

INTERFACE is a wonderful place, and an awesome experience that shares with the students a glimpse into the world of tribal missions. Many students from Interface go on to become tribal missionaries themselves- and that is the goal of having such a program.

And my goal in going is to assist the staff and students in whatever way possible- to help make it such a fantastic learning experience for the students, so that maybe even just one person who attends will return some day with the intention of doing their part to help expedite the Gospel to those who've never heard of our Great God before.

I welcome your questions or comments concerning this venture, New Tribes, or anything else that might come to mind.

Contemplating Baptism, Part 1.

2006-12-20T21:02:00.000-05:00

(When being baptized)

Runaway,
Breathe this in-
The water's wait.
Wide awake,
Breathe this in
The water's wait.
Asking if you are...

Erased

Everything within you will feel
Erased now

(Before baptism)

Everyday,
Houses full of no escape.
Runaway,
It starts to pull
He's in this place,
To question who you are.

Who am I?
Who am I?
I will fade

I've been thinking a lot recently about my own baptism. January 11, 2004, in freezing cold water, at Southwind, at the first Revolution retreat...

I remember a moment... And a feeling... Right before going under, time stopped, and it was a feeling of panic, and of letting go. Something within me registered that things would be different now.

That feeling was of being erased. Everything within me felt erased. I wasn't the same. I realized there were some things in life I could not return to.

"Who am I?" I'm not the same now as I was before... Life has changed. And I am forever grateful to God for that. I hate that I lived away from God for so long... "Who am I?" I'm His. This is neither easy nor completely pleasant on any given day. But oh- the rest and peace...

Christian Friends: LIVE YOUR LIVES AS THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN ERASED!!

Prayer Requests

2006-12-18T09:01:00.000-05:00

Thank you for your prayers in advance!

I am only 20 days from departure, and I'm falling into this pattern that I seem to have when it's close to Exit time.

First, I tend to get really clingy- I miss my friends A LOT when I'm gone, and all I want to do is spend more time with them before I leave. But it's Holiday time, so that is sort of difficult...

I also tend towards worry- mainly about finances- for both support to come in, and for home finances while I'm gone.

I worry too about my family and friends while I'm gone- that something will happen, and I won't be here, or be able to come home. (it doesn't help that something DID happen last year while I was gone, and I about lost it when I found out!)

And now, since I don't have a roommate this year, I worry about my stupid material stuff, that's God's stuff anyway, like my house and my car.

Finally, there was this situation that played out right before I left last year, and a similar version of that is happening again right now. I recognize this as an idol, but it's a very tempting one... Aren't they all though, huh.

So basically, please pray that I wouldn't give into my fears! I know it's not from The Lord. "For God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7) Please do pray for trip logistics, and for my heart to belong to God ALONE. Anything is possible. But not everything is right. Pray that God would bless me with wisdom and discernment.

I love you all, and am so thankful for you!

And more pics...

2006-11-30T22:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, I think I'm addicted to slideshows... Here are some favs.

New Guinea Slideshow

2006-11-30T22:08:00.001-05:00

Hope Unexpected (A.K.A. "When God Spoke To Me Last Sunday")

2006-11-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

A friendly warning: this is the LONG version!

First, some background info. 2006 has been tumultuous, to say the least. Pretty much anything short of physical harm to myself and losing my home has all been bundled up in 2006. I started the year with a tectonic Shift in a pivotal relationship, closely followed by the death of my Grandmother, and that immediately followed by my departure for New Guinea in mid-January. My time overseas was just amazing- just completely filled with God, and lessons about Him, myself, what it is to serve, be humble- it was so wonderful! What a mountain top!

But stepping off the mountain and returning to Orlando was completely different. I felt as though I plunged right into the most immense valley- dark and vast. I didn’t exactly have the kind of “culture shock” that I expected- in fact, I jumped right back into daily life rather quickly. (maybe to my detriment) The most influential thing was that the "Shift" continued too, until 2 continents collided, and “aftershocks” started tearing thru. Many certain, solid things/beliefs in my life became huge question marks. Trust? What’s that??

The worst was the sovereign silence of God. I’d call out to God for comfort, guidance- anything- but it felt like nothing came… My friendships suffered (because my trust was at zero), my job satisfaction and security faltered (I eventually abruptly quit), and my hope was not what it should have been. I found myself asking God, “Where were You? Were You there at all? How on earth could this have happened?” I felt like God had turned His back to me. That He’d dropped me. It was the only way I could rationalize how everything that occurred took place! God must have let me go. How else would a child of His backslide so grandly? I really hope none of you ever EVER feels this way. It SUCKS.

If you do though, I offer you hope.

Overlapping with my timeline of doubt, God was already showing His presence. The best example of this is with the job situation. In August, I quit my job following rising stress and conflict of interests- gave two weeks notice- and had nothing lined up at all! But literally 2 days after quitting- a friend called to tell me about a position at his school. Less than a week after quitting- I had a new job lined up, doing something I totally never would have imagined: I now work with autistic children. God’s will and provision was so obvious- it’s been just phenomenal to receive this, knowing full well where the blessing comes from. Not only do I LOVE my new job, and the kids, but I work with some fantastic people- 3 of which are friends from church! It’s the best knowing that I’m in God’s will with my job- I am exactly where He wants me.

Another great example: In the midst of fears and doubt, God brought people to me to lift me up and keep me connected. Anyone of my local friends can testify- I’m a runner. No, not like in marathons- more like I’ll run away and isolate when I’m under attack. And while most people usually just let me run, there have been some people in my life who’ve been pillars to me. They have been constant lights, endless encouragers and sources of truth and wisdom. I thank God soooooo much for His blessing of friendships and connection within the Body of Christ. That is exactly how it should be.

Sadness and guilt were very present. Prevalent. I did go to counseling for 2 1/2 months, but besides having someone I could confide the details to, it just didn’t seem to be helping me actually overcome, heal, change for the better, etc. (and that’s what I’d expected from it). God’s silence continued.

BUT- I DID stay constantly in The Word. Mainly out a sense of desperation- thinking like “there’s got to be SOMETHING in here that God will make jump out at me!” The only things that stuck out though were fairly condemning. Any words of supposed comfort didn’t seem to apply to me… God’s work in keeping me reading was strong though. He prompted me to find out about pride, and how God feels about the proud and arrogant. Then He taught me about true humility, and what it means to love unconditionally, and to forgive. (I’m still learning those…) He changed my perspectives in many ways, and the result was confession. There was WAY more to my problem than just the blatant sin and resulting guilt. Who really had the pride problem? Who had the heart problem? Oh… ME. It is a staggering prospect to meet with your deeply ingrained heart issues for the first time. I had never before realized and named the idols in my life.

So see, in ways I could only discern in hindsight, God was moving. Healing. Restoring. SLOOOOOOOOOWLY. 

Ok already, on to this past Sunday. That’s why I’m writing all this!

I was driving home, thinking about a friend who just got engaged. I was thinking about what she and I were up to this time last year. She was planning on moving across the country, and I was getting in gear to go to PNG. Nothing even related to the events of 2006 had started falling into place yet. All of that was still way ahead of me, and I was obliviously in love with the Lord, heart set on the prospect of learning about tribal missions, thinking that maybe it’s something I’d do as more than just a pastime. Back to Sunday though, I was deep into pondering how God is so richly blessing my newly engaged friend with this prospect of marriage, and how happy she is. And I am so happy for her! It’s so wonderful to witness God’s work in my friends’ lives! And then the thoughts came- those that couldn’t be from me:

“Who knows what can happen… what God can do in your life- even in the course of
a year? Not you- only God! You can be just as blessed. God is not mad at you, but
welcomes you, and offers you another chance. See, I am going to do a new thing.”

I was astonished- driving home… Those thoughts/ words flooded over me, and I started to cry. I was filled with praise and awe! I thanked God for being a God of second chances, for loving me, for sending His Son to die for me, and for His forgiveness. It was just really amazing!

TRUTH started pouring in as well. Those verses I’d read suddenly applied to me. They were written for me. (they include but are not limited to Jer. 29:11, Phil. 4:6-7, __________) And now I want you to know: I love that I’m in God’s care. He’s GOT me- He never once dropped me, or turned His back to me. I can’t humanly understand all parts of my story… I still don't know why these things had to happen, why backsliding was part of God's plan for me since the beginning... But I rest knowing He IS going to use these trials to His glory- now I can’t wait to see how they fit into His plan! I remember from The Passion of The Christ- that as Jesus embraced His cross again, He said, “See, I make all things new.” It touched me so back then, when I first saw that… And the promise that He can and will do that within me now is moving as well.

That last line, “See, I am going to do a new thing”, is straight from Isaiah 43:18-19. I really like how “The Message” says it: “Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.” I feel very expectant all of a sudden! How hopeful! I find myself almost “giddy” (can you imagine??), thinking, “well, I wonder what it’ll be?? And when? When do I get to find out this awesome thing that God’s going to do in and with me??” (I feel like a little girl waiting to open Christmas presents) This has only been a few day behind me… But I tell you- the shift in attitude, prospect, vision- it’s monumental. I can’t do it justice with words. I could never tell adequately of how God met me right then.

Friends, I want you to have this hope too. You are constantly in my prayers. I pray that whatever it is you’re facing, you can know with certainty that God is with you. He hasn’t left you, or turned His back. No detail of your life falls outside of His gaze. He loves you. He’s your Dad- and He wants to count your footsteps and forget your sins.

There is such assurance in this knowledge! What can shake us?!

2007 Letter To Supporters

2006-11-29T23:26:00.000-05:00

If I ride the wings of the morning,
If I dwell by the farthest oceans,
Even there Your hand will guide me,
And Your strength will support me.
Psalm 139:9-10

These verses first came to me just 2 weeks before I left for Papua New Guinea in January of this year. What an encouragement! I can tell you from experience- it is TRUE. No matter where you are, He is with you, He wants to guide you, and His strength is more than sufficient. Nothing is beyond God!

Friends, I continue to beg you to reflect: what stirs your heart for God’s sake? For me, it’s the thought of one day witnessing people from every tribe, tongue and nation standing together worshipping God. It is holding the hand of one the world may call “unwanted”, but who God looks at and says “MINE”.

This past January and February, I traveled to Papua New Guinea to participate in New Tribes Missions’ Interface program- a course designed to provide a realistic look at the process of making the Gospel available cross-culturally and establishing a functioning tribal church. I learned a ton about language, support roles in missions (yay!), literacy, mission methods, presenting the message of the Gospel chronologically, and the importance of using one’s heart language and cultural mores to present the Gospel in the clearest, most meaningful way.

I saw the seriousness of language barriers when I visited the Pawaia tribe. Although I’d picked up a bit of Tok Pisin (the trade language in PNG, and the language used by many missionaries to reach people), I found communication to be a challenge. Only the younger to middle-aged adults in the tribe spoke Tok Pisin (in addition to their tribal language). Regardless- what an amazing awe-inspiring experience to be gathered with Believers on the Far Side of the World! To listen to them sing, share testimonies of faith, and pray was like a foretaste of Heaven.

God has placed the unreached and unloved of this world on my heart. I want to continue to reach beyond this comfortable realm, until all who doubt know that He is God. At this time, I am continuing to be involved in short term missions. There is, though, a foreseeable day when full time placement becomes my reality. My desire (both now and future) is to serve by assisting in support roles.

God has indeed blessed me with the opportunity to take a “next step” in my personal involvement in missions! I will return to PNG- this place I’ve grown to love- from January 8 thru February 13, 2007. I’ll go back to INTERFACE- this time as part of the hospitality team. You got it- I will be serving!! My joy at this prospect is more than I can put into words! I am so very thankful to Our Father!

My faith in God’s provision is firm- and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for your support and encouragement of me in the past, present and future. Please pray with me concerning the following:
1. Preparation- I am only 6 weeks away from departure!
2. Finances- I am trusting the Lord to provide the $3200 to cover the expense of my trip, as well as for separate transportation to and from L.A., AND home expenses while I am gone.
3. Roommate- That God would send the best person my way prior to me leaving.
4. Spiritually- I really implore you to pray that my words and deeds would be pleasing to the Lord- both here, among my friends and acquaintances, and abroad, among people of a very different culture. Please pray that God would change my heart in some ways, and that His will and mine would be more in alignment.

Would you prayerfully consider becoming involved in sending me to New Guinea? You will play an important part in this experience as you do. If God is leading you to support me thru prayer or financial means, please fill out and return the enclosed “commitment card” and / or contact me for additional information.

I encourage you to visit http://losttakenback.blogspot.com. This site will include lots of trip-related information, and will give updates on support raised, prayer requests, even accounts of what I’m up to when I’m actually over there! You can also make secure online donations by clicking on “GIVE at NTM.org”.

This is all done
For the sake of His Beautiful Name.

A Sinner's Prayer

2006-09-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

I emailed Steve Brown, and he actually wrote back! Pretty cool. This is something he included in his response...

(From Michael Quoist’s book Prayers)
I have fallen Lord, once more, I can’t go on. I’ll never succeed. I am ashamed. I don’t dare look at You. And yet I struggled, Lord, for I knew you were right near me, bending over me, watching.

But temptation blew like a hurricane, and instead of looking at You, I turned my head away. I stepped aside while you stood, silent and sorrowful, like the spurned fiancée who sees his loved one carried away by the enemy.

When the wind died down as suddenly as it had arisen, when the lightening ceased after proudly streaking the darkness, all of a sudden I found myself alone, ashamed, disgusted, with my sin in my hands… this sin that I selected the way a customer makes his purchase, this sin that I have paid for and cannot return, for the storekeeper is no longer there. This tasteless sins, this odorless sin, this sin that sickens me, that I have wanted but want no more, that I have imagined, sought, played with, fondled for a long time; that I have finally embraced while turning coldly away from you, my arms outstretched, my eyes and heart irresistibly drown; this sin that I have grasped and consumed with gluttony.

It’s mine now, but it possesses me as the spider web holds captive the gnat. It is mine. It sticks to me, it flows in my veins, it fills my heart. It has slipped in everywhere, as darkness slips into the forest at dusk and fills all the patches of light. I can’t get rid of it. I run from it the way one tries to lose a stray dog, but it catches up with me and bounds joyfully against my legs.

Everyone must notice it. I’m so ashamed that I feel like crawling to avoid being seen. I’m ashamed of being seen by my friends. I’m ashamed of being seen by You, Lord, for You loved me, and I forgot You. I forgot You because I was thinking of myself and one can’t think of several persons at once. One must choose, and I chose…

… And Your voice and Your look, and Your love hurt me, they weigh me down more than my sin.

Lord, don’t look at me like that. I am naked. I am dirty. I am down, shattered, with no strength left. I dare make no more promises. I can only lie bowed before You…

And the Father's Response...
Come, child, look up. Isn’t it mainly your vanity that is wounded? Do you think there is a limit to My love? Do you think that for a moment I stopped loving You? But you still rely on yourself. You must rely only on Me. Ask my pardon and get up quickly. It isn’t falling in the mud that is the worst…

… but staying there.

Eyes that Saw...

2006-09-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

Lest you think all I did was have fun over there...

Well, actually, everything I did was fun... BUT! I want to share with you something so simple- yet it felt profound to me in the moment of realization.

Two things actually: First- the world is a lot smaller than I originally thought. Distance is made relative with today's technology, and it's just not that intimidating to me anymore. And also, God really is everywhere! Guess what- The One True God can be found in the secluded bush, with no roads to get there, just an airstrip (and before that just a river). There are Believers in places you and I can't even imagine! I saw Jesus on the Far Side of the World. Why did I have to go to get this? Who knows... But I'm glad these simple truths made it into my heart and mind...

This was a sign I saw every day in the classroom. The desire of our hearts.

And I did...

In the ones who taught me...

ITF staff and the Bena team.

In the family I stayed with...

This is a believing family in Haia. 8 kids! (One not pictured) I spent time with them, learning the language, reading our Bibles together (theirs in Pawaian, mine in Pidgin), and of course, working on my bilum (string bag). I stayed one night in their home, and it was a very humbling experience. The Dad is one of the church leaders in Haia- very soft spoken, yet very well spoken. I was told that he and his wife were wonderful examples of a Christ-centered marriage and household.

In old friends...

Karen Bowen- she and her husband Tom came with us in 2004 to Madang. They are now serving as Associates at Lapilo, along with their youngest son, running the Guest House. I got to see them a few times, and it was so nice! They came to ITF for lunch one day, and I spent some time with them at Lapilo another day.

New friends...

A believing woman who I liked hanging out with in Haia. She (like most of the women I met) saw me working on my bilum, and came over and started to help me. She had the "Wordless Book" pinned onto her shirt, and she'd share the message of salvation thru Christ with anyone who crossed her path.

And someone who felt like family...

Sally Crosse- Guyanese, just like me! (well, half of me...) She is such an amazing woman!

Jesus was seen in the ones who gave their lives to His service...

Jack and Isa Douglas- they've spent 33 years in the village of Haia with the Pawaia people. God used them to establish His Church in the middle of the jungle. Jack told us many stories about bush life, translation, and the day the Gospel was presented for the first time.

And those serving now...

The current Bena tribe team: Rich and Dawn Foster, Dave and Wendi Lee, and Van and Alexa Averhart.

In the ones who motivated me...

This is part of the team from 2004. This night pictured, we were meeting at Don and Lynda Pederson's home to bid farewell to Tom and Karen, as they were leaving for PNG soon after. It was this night that I decided to just forget about whatever concerns I had, "let go of the rope", and just go.

And the people who sent me...

"Surprise!!"

"I can't believe this!!"

My friends Jess and Janice had arranged for a surprise "going away" party for me, 2 weeks before I left. About 30 people came to show their support. On top of that, they raised an additional $300+ for me, and Revolution more than matched that. I had been over $1000 from my goal 2 WEEKS before I was scheduled to leave... But God totally provided for His Girl. Read more about this here.

My Revolution Family. My dearest friends. My strongest support.

"You Are Holy" Revisited

2006-09-09T06:33:00.000-05:00

Note: This was originally posted on "Roaming Angel", but it's still relevant to "Taken Back". So read it again!

(taken from a journal entry- Saturday, March 27, 2004)

"Praise Father God- Giver of life,
Power and might, goodness and light-
Ruler of all.
Praise to the Son- The Living Christ.
Body and Blood, Mercy and Love- sweet Sacrifice.
You are HOLY- HOLY.
Praise Holy Ghost- Voice in the dark,
Healer and Friend, Fire and Wind,
Lord of our hearts.
Praise Father God.
Praise to the Son.
Praise Holy Ghost-
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
You are HOLY- HOLY."

These are the words to my favorite praise song. I have decided that my favorite attribue of God is His Holiness. "Holy"... So much comes to mind in that simple word. In the phrase "You are Holy", I hear...

You are Pure- free from sin.
You are Truth- all Your words are true.
You are sincere.
You are sovereign.
You are Ruler over everything and everyone, and every situation!
You are powerful- You can do all things.
You know all things.
You are in control of all things.
You hear all prayers.
You direct all lives.
You know all fears.
You heal all hurts.
You forgive all wrongs.
You judge.
You are JUST.
You are mighty.
You are reliant.
You are Almighty!
You can overcome anything!

And this is just the beginning!!

In "You are Holy", I see so much. I see me wanting things not in Your plan for me. I see You withholding my wants and desires from me because YOU know that there is something better for me. I see you saying "NO" to my requests. I see me crying and mourning for things I hold/held dear because they're being taken away. I see me begging for mudpies, when all You want to give me is a holiday on the shore...

I see me on my knees, saying and pleading, that God- Your will be done in my life, knowing that Yours and mine differ. I see me finally submitting to You, and feeling that unbelievable peace that You so often bless me with.

I love this song- and the phrase "You are Holy". Why is it that in spite of the fighting, begging and pleading, do I end up in the same place? It's a good place to end. My conclusion is always "You are Holy". You are in control of my life. You are in control of the difficult stuff, even if I can't make any sense of it. You know exactly why I'm going thru this. You know what the outcome will be- and why is that? Because You are Holy!

God, In "You are Holy", I see submission of myself to You, and of all humanity to You in the end! I love you Lord- because you are HOLY! Take control of my life, my thoughts, my actions, my heart...

To Be "Taken Back"

2006-09-07T21:08:00.000-05:00

What does this mean...?

It is to be reclaimed. Rescued. Made whole again. To be called "Beloved" instead of "traitor".

The human words "You're mine"- so priceless, beyond imagination- in a moment when I never thought I'd hear such things again! Yet Human they remained, and thus fallible... retractable...

After all of the back-sliding, abandonment, grief, anxiety, anger, resentment- to hear the whispered words "You're Mine" is just more than I can comprehend.

"Comfort, Comfort! Speak softly and tenderly to her... Make it very clear that she has served her sentence, that her sin is taken care of—forgiven!She's been punished enough and more than enough, and now it's over and done with." -Isaiah 40:1-2 (The Message)

And just like that- it's gone! There is nothing more I could possibly do to earn forgiveness, or to somehow pay my debts. I can't take myself back. Nor can I look to another human to rescue me- make me whole. Only One can reclaim me. And it was done before the beginning of time. Amazing!

A Missionary's Cry

2006-09-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

Your heart I seek to find-
With Your hands You fashioned mine.
Let me be used by you to carry out truth...
To the ends of the earth,
'Til everyone's heard-
My mended heart will share Your words.
I will tell the world that You are God!
Should all life cease to grow,
Should chaos take control...
The only hope we know is You will save us.
It's worth the cost to take up my cross
As You take back what's been lost.
Until all who doubt know You are God.
I'm not captive anymore-
I'm gonna soar to a new place,
Take on a new pace-
I know what my life is for.

I will run, I will fly-

I will live to be a sacrifice.

Through it all, I'll rise above-

Unafraid, I will face what comes.

I will run, I will fly-

And for my faith I'll live & die.

I'll be strong - I will press on-

For the sake of Your Beautiful Name.

Some Pictures...

2006-09-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

Here are some of my favorite pictures- more will follow thruout the course of this blog, until I go back to PNG and take new pictures!

Me and Sally- such a sweet lady! A very true example of selflessness, and a real servant's heart.

Looking out into the "Great Wide World"...

Relaxing with the ladies, watching a volleyball game...

My first peek at the village of Haia, in the Gulf Province- from the window of the tiny Cesna we had to fly in to get there...

Me with "Little Joyce"- my favorite little girl in Haia...

Yes- I even got to bathe in a river a few times! It was really very refreshing! The water was crystal clear and cool.

Walking back to the village from the river. The boy in the green shirt was my "boyfriend"- he just came up, grabbed my hand, and was my personal guide for the week!

Waving goodbye to the Cesna, leaving the Pawaia tribe...